Spartans, What is your Division?

‘The deal was agreed.’ They said. ‘The merger was on,’ quoted some. Spartans and City. Only six months ago, reports that the capital rivals had been looking to unite as one.

Now, as we rapidly approach the endgame, the two teams could not be on more different trajectories.

Spartans, recording a terrific late victory away in Methil and boosting themselves to third. Two points off second, a consistency which only Stenhousemuir rival and a playing squad that any team in the playoff hunt will tremble at. Life is on the up and up at Ainslie Park.

Compare that with poor old Edinburgh City. The club who had the capital at their feet six years ago when they won promotion to League Two. The club who were certain to be fighting for a space in the Championship by now. The club who could have asserted themselves as Edinburgh’s ‘third’ team. Well, they just lost their 28^th game of the season and broke records as the earliest relegated team in Scottish Football history. In truth, they are lucky to even be alive – having teetered on the edge of HMRC’s tax axe all season long.

How did the tables turn so dramatically then? All in the space of a season?

Well, behind the scenes this has been in the works for a lot longer.

Spartans unwavering commitment to their local community, the engagement with youth fan groups, the Tifos, the transparency with grassroots media and effective promotion. All of this has made them a much more attractive club to support for disillusioned Edinburghers or locals who need a ‘wee’ team to support.

Ainslie Park is often packed, noisy and a cracking place to watch some lower league action. They have found an identity and they have absolutely run with it.

Couple that with a strong playing squad for League Two. The old stable-hand Blair Henderson notched his 100^th league goal this campaign and shows little sign of wear. The signing of cup double winner Callum Booth has been a fantastic addition to the Starting XI and dressing room. Without even mentioning names like Paul Watson, Marc McNulty, Danny Denholm and James Craigen. Players who bring incredible amounts of experience and will be hugely important in the upcoming playoff battle.

Basically, Spartans have their shit together.

Flip over to Meadowbank. The grass is plastic and the football ain’t pretty. The floundering decision to change name and the mad obsession with spunking all of their cash on returning to the soulless running track that is Meadowbank has hurt them badly.

Now under the guidance of John Dickson, the club is trying furiously to regain some of its pride and identity which they lost so quickly. I believe that John Dickson will stop at nothing to rebuild the shattered club that he has inherited and win back the supporters they have lost. The man is working tirelessly to raise funds, settle debts and recreate the club’s identity. This offseason will be fascinating and so crucial for them, as currently I don’t think they would survive in League Two either.

All that remains to be seen is if Spartans can take this great late season momentum into the playoffs. It’s Ainslie Park on Tuesday and then Balmoor on Saturday, a place where they have an excellent record so far.

The bookies have Spartans at 4/1 and I think that is truly a fantastic price if you want to burn a ten sheet. They have by far the most momentum going into these games out of any team involved – can Dougie Samuel guide his talented squad through one more block of games? Can they do in one season what took Edinburgh City four?

The one great shame is that there will be no ‘mini’ Edinburgh Derby should Spartans go up. Oh well, we’ll just have to wait for 2027 when Hibs and Spartans contest the first ever North Edinburgh Derby.

(Blair) Henderson to deliver!

Civil Service Strollers F.C. – The Match Programme #16

‘We have a core here of about 20 to 30 people… they keep us going.’

…

12:30 on a Saturday. The Anchor Inn, Granton.

‘Cosy in here!’ states Aaron, removing his jacket and pointing to the crackling fireplace in the far end of the pub.

‘COSY?!’ comes a bevvied shout from the corner. ‘It’s FUCKIN ROASTIN’’.

‘Just cause you dinnae pay for yer fuckin’ heatin’ Gary!’ belts back the barmaid as she plants two fizzing pints of Tennents on the bar.

‘That’ll be £8.40 pal.’

Very decent for Edinburgh.

Aaron hands over a ten sheet to the barmaid, having been told moments ago that it was cash only.

Authentic, gritty and in its own way, extremely welcoming.

Aaron and I take our seats in a wee booth tucked in the corner. One of the regular old boys shuffles across to the jukebox and now Sweet Child O’ Mine blasts all around this fine Granton boozer.

What a day for some non-league action.

Civil Service Strollers were the club on our Tour-dar this time around – Edinburgh’s “fifth” club you could say. Hibs, Hearts, City and Spartans to name the ‘top 4’. After that, Civil Service are the highest ranked Edinburgh team in the pyramid – but all around competition lurks.

Edinburgh United and Edinburgh University. Edinburgh South, Hutchison-Vale and Leith Athletic, all clubs jostling for room in the capital.

With the prominent rise of Spartans, the recent promotion of Bonnyrigg Rose and the upward trend of basically every East Lothian team, it is a real good time for Edinburgh & Lothian football.

Today’s club was no different. Civil Service Strollers have been having a rare time recently, on the pitch at least. This season saw them pushing for a Lowland League playoff spot at one point, as did last season. Not bad for a club which is run by volunteers and has a bank balance that constitutes one of – if not THEE – lowest budgets in the Lowland League.

We rang up Club Secretary Keith Stewart as we gulped down our golden lagers. Keith sounded like he was fighting an army on the phone, dashing and darting around pre-match making sure everything was in order.

We didn’t know the extent of it yet, but that man really takes care of basically everything on match-day.

‘Aye, if yez get here about 2 then I can give ye about 5 minutes boys, okay?’

More than okay with us Keith. That also gave us a bit more time to savour the early afternoon atmosphere in The Anchor Inn. A couple of pints down and it was time for a deep dive into The Strollers and what we already knew about Muirhouse’s favourite sons.

Formed in 1908 as Edinburgh Civil Service Football Club, the team was originally comprised of – you guessed it – local Civil Servants. Interestingly, it is a tradition that the club continues to honour, as the current Club President is in fact a Civil Servant.

Playing in Edinburgh’s Muirhouse district for most of their history, Strollers have often faced stiff competition for support. A difficult task when the better known Spartans are right on you doorstep. A team who’s stylish rise into League 2, impressive fan engagement, shiny facilities and solid recruitment has already attracted a sizeable following.

We knew today would be a different kind of Tour. How does a club like Strollers survive and generate interest in what is already a tightly crowded market? How does a club with a small budget and small core fan-base compete at the top end of the Lowland League?

On a personal note, a big reason to visit Christie Gillies Park was simple. Gary Jardine. Club manager and something of a lower league legend.

Jardine was the man who guided Edinburgh City to their first ever promotion into League Two a few years back. It was Jardine’s Edinburgh City that Aaron and I bonded over at the old Meadowbank, all those years ago when we first launched The Tour.

Years on, Jardine now finds himself at a city rival. Once again doing a superb job with the tools around him. For two seasons they have chased the playoffs and two seasons they have finished comfortably mid-table.

Today’s opponents? None other than the Tunnock tanned Albion Rovers.

The men from Coatbridge have had a dire season, stuck in bottom half limbo all year. Now totally out of playoff contention, we were intrigued to see what kind of numbers the Rovers would bring to Christie Gillies Park.

It would also be our first glimpse of Lowland League poster boy. Albion Rovers captain, Niyah Joseph. Would the glove-wearing striker notch again today? Or would big Ross Clarke send him to the dry cleaners?

With that thought in mind, we polished off the last drops of drink and headed out into the Edinburgh sunshine.

A quick bus ride away, Strollers ground is tucked away behind the ‘World of Football’ 5-a-side football complex. The very same place where we play in our 5s league on a Wednesday night.

Mikey Tucker issues come and get me plea to Gary Jardine.

Rounding the back of the complex you find yourself heading toward the 1908 Club. What we find is a cracking wee lounge area to soak up some pre-match atmosphere.

Vice-President of the club Tom sits behind the lounge bar, struggling away with the card machine and serving a mixture of Albion Rovers fans, Strollers boys and the occasional ground-hopper type.

One such type we spotted was the iconic warhorse himself, Mr. Norrie Work. A local councillor and lower league vlogger who has been plastered all across our timelines since we started our own journey. A pleasure to finally make your acquaintance Mr. Work!

Head across to YouTube for his matchday vlog if you are keen for more action. You might even spot our ugly mugs…

WHERE’S YOUR PIE NORRIE?

Christie Gillies Park often seems to attract types like us. Maybe it is the charm of a small, historical ground situated on the outskirts of north-west Edinburgh. Maybe it is the intrigue of an Edinburgh club fighting above their means. Maybe it is just because they have an interesting name.

We grabbed a couple of drinks (tins only of course) from VP/barman Tom and mentioned we were here to cover the game. Tom was extremely welcoming and interested in what we had to say, telling us he would get us Keith Stewart for a chat as soon as he had located him.

I did ask if Gary might be free post-match, that we would LOVE the chance to have a quick word with him… Tom seemed unsure if ‘the gaffer’ would have time.

We always pay our way whenever we visit these clubs, but Tom absolutely insisted that we take Complimentary tickets for the match today.

It is strange how the lower down the pyramid you go, the more generous clubs tend to be. Truly, for a team like Strollers who make the majority of their money on match-day this was an incredible gesture – we thank them for it.

Compare it with Dundee United, who told us ‘no pictures and no discounts.’ I know where I’d rather be today anyway!

Now out came Secretary Keith Stewart. Visibly rushed off his feet – all we kept hearing from some of the other staff were shouts like, ‘where’s Keith?’ or ‘you’ll have to get Keith for that!’ and ‘Keith can you tie my shoelaces please Keith?’

The man was clearly crucial to the game-day operation.

He sat at our table in the 1908 Lounge and reiterated that we had 5-10 minutes and he would have to shoot back off.

Unfazed we launched straight into it.

‘Obviously you have had a bit of a drop off in form recently, but for Strollers to be challenging at the right end of the table all season is very impressive given the competition.’

Keith told us that basically everyone here was voluntary. ‘We have a core base of about 20 to 30 guys. Season ticket holders, regulars, boys like Mr. Work here.’ he said pointing toward the familiar vlogger who was shuffling across to join the conversation.

‘Considering all of that then Keith, how have you managed to play at this level and compete at the playoff end of the table.’

‘It’s the manager. Simple as that.’ Came back Keith. ‘We are very fortunate to have been able to keep him, listen, Gary could have gone to so many other places but he chose to stay here. Working in Edinburgh and being valued the way he is… yeah, we’re very happy to have him.’

It reaffirmed just how much of a coup it was for a club like Strollers to have a man like Gary Jardine at the helm. Pure guesswork from myself here, but I do wonder if a tidy chunk of the budget goes to keeping Gary Jardine at Christie Gillies Park.

‘Of course, Gary clearly has a couple of boys he enjoys working with, do you think it’s purely because of him you have boys like Marc Laird and Conrad Balatoni?’

‘Well Conrad has actually left us now… I’m not sure how much of a miss he will be.’ Started Keith.

‘Well, the last time I saw him he did not look like… let’s say the fittest individual in the world.’

Keith said nothing but I felt the silence was enough.

‘With boys like Laird at the club though you know you can attract a decent level of player to come here and stay here.’

‘You hear a lot about some clubs at this level who are almost cautious of promotion due to the financial impact that it might have. Do you think you guys fall into that category?’

‘It costs us £12,000 just to maintain the pitch every season.’ Started Keith. ‘We spend a lot of time just trying to cover that cost. Imagine if you have to then travel to Stranraer or Elgin on top of that, like I said it’s a very small core of supporters here. You don’t even get any money for winning the Lowland League! But you get a £46,000 parachute payment for being relegated! The League wants to protect certain clubs…’

‘Do you think that the proximity of Spartans has hurt you guys a bit.’

‘Listen, I have a lot of admiration for what the guys at Spartans have done, we have a good relationship with them but they have suffocated us a bit, they were playing at our level just last year and now look at them. We definitely see a bit of a boost in numbers when Spartans are away.’’

It is true what Keith said, Spartans operation has been very well worked. Engagement, publicity, recruitment. They have even built a new stand recently at Ainslie Park. You just can’t help but feel there’s an element of “what if CSS had gotten there first?”

We carried on chatting away and got onto more broad football topics, who we support, other Tours we had been on. Before we knew it, we had been chatting away to the big man for about 25 minutes. The Newcastle v West Ham game rumbling on in the background as we got another round in.

If only Keith could have joined us for a swally.

Shortly however that was that and he was off to fix another metaphorical leaking pipe. Leaving us with our thoughts.

The conversation with Keith had been absolutely brilliant, extremely insightful.

For Aaron, who sells GPS tracking vests to clubs like Civil Service, it was apparent why he struggles to get sales at this level.

These clubs are concerned with how to cover the costs of the playing pitch. Let alone investing in technology. Yet, here they are, at the highest level of non-league football in Scotland. Why? Because of a solid playing squad and an excellent manager.

Even in the modern day with the abundance of statistics, analysis and technology. It is comforting to know that a top manager and a good squad is by far the most important thing for a club to be successful.

Right about now the lounge was really starting to fill up. The vast majority wearing the yellow and red of Albion Rovers, a relatively big club at this level. You can even check out the episode where we visited Albion’s Cliftonhill for the Monklands Derby*.

*cheeky plug

With that it was one last sip and out onto the Christie Gillies Park for a game of Lowland League football in the bright Springtime sun.

MATCH REPORT

FIRST HALF

The teams came from around the side of the clubhouse into the glorious Edinburgh sunshine. Around 30-40 Strollers fans gathered either behind the nearside goals or scattered in the small tin stand which runs alongside the pitch.

Much like in the 1908 Lounge from before, Albion Rovers fans had somewhat taken over. We estimated about 200 in attendance for today’s fixture. So impressive when you consider they essentially have nothing to play for at this point in the season.

The stage was set for non-league action.

Strollers started on the front foot. Good honest working man’s football. Meat and potatoes at their freshest and most delicious. Quick direct balls through the middle of the park and then out wide. Get the cross in and let frontman Harry Girdwood attack it.

The early stages saw a lot of end to end but few chances. Both teams were battling with the pitch as well as each other. the bumpiness of the Christie Gillies turf stopped the game from ever getting into a real flow. Despite this, Strollers skipper Marc Laird was doing his best to remain composed in the middle of the park and was tidy at keeping the ball moving forward.

Civil Service kept threatening from set-pieces as Albion struggled to compete with their physicality. It was from there that Strollers would get their breakthrough.

A high corner whipped in was then headed back across the face of goal. Wide man Ross Guthrie pounced quickest, side footing the ball hard into the back of the Albion net.

GOAL!

*duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh* STROLLERS!

Our patch of home fans truly loved that one. Getting one over on the former League One opposition.

Strollers saw out the half fairly comfortably. Albion were far too cute at times and could not trouble the solid CSS back-line. It is all fine and well trying to play out from the back until you can barely get out of your own half. Time and a place lads.

Albion skipper Niyah Joseph and the towering Bright Prince left the pitch having been totally pocketed by Shaw and Clarke.

PIE REPORT

Despite the fact that the pies were clearly a Walls or a Bells number they were absolutely terrific. Cooked to perfection and married up with a meaty, well mixed Bovril. See, you do not have to re-invent the wheel for a good bit of football scran!

Scotch pie, Bovril, £3.50 please.

The simple supermarket pie well and truly hit the spot after having to endure Tranent’s dogshit donner pie the weekend before.

Keep it simple! Just like Strollers style of play it was straightforward, effective and left me feeling like I might shit my pants in an hours-time.

Solid effort all round!

7/10

SECOND HALF

The second half started very much in the same fashion. Seriously physical battles all around the park. Albion’s much talked about Bright Prince was an absolutely dominant figure in the centre of the park. Towering and strong as an ox with a questionable touch (you know the type). It is easy to see how he could wreak havoc at this level.

I overheard an Albion fan chuckling about how apparently Bright Prince was shit-talking in a previous match and threatened his opposite number saying, ‘Watch out, I was a child soldier in the Congo.’

Scary stuff indeed.

What was even scarier was Albion’s inability to do anything of note. Strollers just wanted it more and out-muscled Albion for the whole game, despite the Wee Rovers height advantage.

The much talked about Niyah Joseph was basically anonymous all match. A match that was indeed hampered by a poor pitch, but Strollers 100% deserved the victory. A late flurry of Albion long balls was food and drink for big CB Ross Clarke who dominated at the back.

The full-time whistle sounded on a low-quality affair. One that Strollers deserved to win, for their smarter and more effective football. For their 30+ diehard supporters and of course for The Tour.

MOTM – Marc Laird

Tough to pick a real standout in what was a physical battle. Between Lairdy or Ross Clarke at the back but I give the nose to our old fave Marc Laird.

Composed in the middle, physical, brave and can flash a quality pass. The man recycled possession like Greta Thunberg and it is easy to see why Jardine has him as captain.

Welcome to the Hall of Fame Mr. Laird!

…

After the game we found ourselves back in the 1908 Lounge just blethering away to Norrie Work and to a smattering of Albion fans left behind.

‘You guys ‘ave got to come to Berwick next week. What a game that will be!’

Just as we were about to leave, the man of the hour came marching on through. The one and only Gary Jardine.

‘These guys here Gary they’re The Tour!’ Blurted Norrie. ‘They cover the lower leagues as well!’ Setting the stage perfectly.

‘Oh aye?’ Said Gary, turning to face us with that look we often get.

These guys know nothing about football.

‘Congratulations on a tough win.’ I started. ‘I think that Albion were just trying to be a bit too smart at the back and you took advantage of that.’

Suddenly smiling Jardine came back with, ‘exactly that son, exactly that.’ He then launched into some more analysis of the game but I was no longer listening.

The words ‘exactly that son,’ echoing through my brain forevermore.

Atmosphere – 50

Facilities – 45

Team – 54

FINAL RATING – 50/100

ALL ABOARD!

The Diamonds Are Fourth(ever)

Love them. Loathe them. Admire them or despise them. One thing is true. Everyone has an opinion on Airdrieonians at the moment.

Their blistering end to the season has caught the eye of many; claiming silverware, skelping the top two and playing practical, attacking football along the way.

Undeniably, they are the form team of the Championship right now.

Their 3-1 spanking of Raith on Tuesday puts them in such a strong position for that 4^th spot and playoff football. The question is, how far can the Diamonds go?

In my opinion, they can genuinely go all the way.

Remember that Livingston double promotion leap only a few years ago? Yes, Airdrieonians are a very different side from that Livi team but I can see an element of history repeating itself here.

Is it unlikely? Probably. Is it possible? Absolutely.

Time and time again Airdrieonians have astonished me this season. Not least with their brand of football but with their constant ability to keep going after barren spells of form, their ability to pick up crucial wins at the right time. Just when you think they are dropping off, they turn around and win at Tannadice.

The way they blow teams away when on their day is nothing short of thrilling.

‘On their day’ being the key part of that sentence.

We have also watched on as Airdrieonians drop stinker after stinker. Inconsistency undoubtedly their main problem this season.

The 4-0 loss to Arbroath earlier in the year, their inability to beat a shoddy Ayr United and their midseason slump where they picked up 2 wins in 11 games. Conceding poor goals has been a bit of a trend at times – not least at Somerset Park a couple of weeks ago.

But despite all of that, they still sit 6 points clear in a playoff spot. That shows you just how good Rhys McCabe’s men are when on song.

That’s exactly the reason I can see them making a real go of promotion.

It’s a combination of Mr. McCabe himself and the fact that they are getting hot at the perfect time. As the season has gone on both McCabe and his squad have adjusted beautifully to life in the Championship.

Chuckie Telfer is finally living up to his hype, Dean McMaster doing the honest graft, slotting in superbly behind headline grabbing skipper Frizzell. Gabby McGill seems to get better every year and even the ever-present Nikolay Todorov is arguably having a career season.

As individuals the names might not do a lot for some people. As the sum of their parts, they have been excellent.

Let’s not forget they only got promoted last season! The way everyone is talking about them is as if they SHOULD be challenging for playoff spots in the Championship.

Next season of course, you could be looking at a team who will fancy themselves to challenge at the top end of the table the whole way. Especially with such a promising manager at the helm. McCabe has caught a lot of arse-kissing this season for his inventive style of football, none more so than from myself so I’ll spare my lips on this occasion.

All I’ll say on the matter is this. If the Airdrieonians board do the smart thing, they will try and tie McCabe to a chunky contract in the offseason. Let the man go to work keeping this core of players. If they can add a little more firepower and a decent bit more defensive stability, they should be one of the favourites to go up next season.

That is, if they don’t go all the way this year.

Everybody do the Excelsior stomp?

Bonny Prince Calum

 ‘We’ve got to take care of our own business.’

Calum Elliot’s response when asked about the relegation scrap that he now finds himself in. Nabbed from Cowdenbeath by the Bonnyrigg board, Elliot has been tasked with one mission. Keep Bonnyrigg Rose in the league.

His appointment came in the wake of the rather seismic sacking of club legend and previous manager Robbie Horn. The man who took them up in the first place, the man who guided them to a Scottish Cup L16 and the man who defeated League One Invincibles Falkirk earlier in the season. It all seemed a bit harsh on Mr. Horn.

This is the first season that we as The Tour have been properly plugged in to Scottish football at all levels of the game. Only now do we see the intensity of the media coverage around decisions such as this. Even at the lowest levels of our game.

The Horn sacking and the Calum Elliot appointment is absolutely no different. Now that the dust has settled, I’ll give you The Tour’s molten hot take on the subject. (Although our podcast listeners may already be well informed).

Maybe the time was right for Horn to go but the manner of his sacking was nothing short of a disgrace. The piddly little statement that the club put out for a man that essentially put Bonnyrigg Rose on the wider Scottish football map was pathetic to say the least. The abruptness of the decision with only a few weeks left in the season and Robbie Horn’s follow up statement on Twitter only adds fuel to the idea that behind the scenes at New Dundas Park, is a stinking mess.

The man should have a statue built on Polton Street! Not sent packing with a month left in the season.

Even still, all legends die. As a few Rose fans have mentioned to us, maybe a new direction was needed. Winless in 9 (albeit every game in that run was decided by a single goal) and plummeting towards the drop whilst barely scoring will do that to a manager. The Rose have been truly awful since the turn of the year.

So, either way (results driven business and all that) Robbie Horn is given his marching orders.

But do you really trust Calum Elliot more than Robbie Horn to keep Bonnyrigg up? I’m not sure I do.

Calum Elliot is a well-known face to many of us in Scottish football, whether for his breakthrough at penniless Hearts or his weird stint at Zalgaris Vilnius. Most recently of course it has been for his style of play and promising managerial start at Cowdenbeath.

There has been a lot of praise for the way Elliot has tried to play football with Cowdenbeath, picking up many plaudits from non-league fans and media. The recent surge in popularity for young, up and coming managers also definitely playing into his corner a little bit.

For me, 11^th with Cowdenbeath does not seem particularly impressive. Civil Service Strollers were sat in 5^th at one point under Gary Jardine and you cannot tell me that Cowden have a worse playing squad than CSS. The Tour would absolutely love Elliot to prove us wrong and beat the drop. He seems like an extremely likeable guy judging from early interviews and pressers.

The sad truth though, is that the odds are stacked massively against him. He has to adjust to what is undoubtedly a much higher standard and trying to put his stamp on things in such a short space of time. Couple that with the fact that the club is spiralling toward the 9^th spot and have just sacked the most important manager in their history.

Tricky is an understatement.

Then here is the thing. If Calum Elliot CAN do it. If he keeps the Rosey Posey up, if he silences all of us negative doomsaying losers and buries the competition along the way. If he does it with a smirk on his lips and a middle finger to Ian McCall’s face, if he stamps his authority on the team in a matter of weeks and gets the Rosey Posey playing again.

If he can do that. Then Bonnyrigg just might have another legend on their hands.

Linton Hotspur F.C. – The Match Programme #13

Princes Street, Edinburgh. 11AM on the 11^th of November 2023. Everyone is bowed in silent assent, in commemoration and respect. Today, we remember the fallen clubs of our past – St. Bernard’s, Third Lanark, Linton Hotspur.

Remembrance Day was an appropriate day for our latest Tour. A fallen football club. ‘Now reborn’. Our humble little steam train was scheduled for New Moor Road. The stylish new ground of the phoenix Linton Hotspur, reformed in 2008 after the previous incarnation had folded in 1972.

Here at the Tour, we commemorate the old whilst ringing in the new. How? By smashing down Hotspur pies (eight), by exploring their ground and ultimately soaking in a game of 9^th tier Scottish football. Glorious.

Adding to the intrigue was the fact that Linton Hotspur have only just transitioned to the Senior game from the Amateurs this season. The pyramid new boys. For us groundhopping types this is the equivalent of the “new-girl” at school who has just transferred from across town. It sends us into a bit of a frenzy. We just had to play it cool and enjoy our date with non-league football’s latest hot topic.

So, on the 101 from Edinburgh we went. To a place which holds special license in The Tour’s collective heart. Nestled in the foothills of The Pentlands, West Linton’s rural charm is hard to deny. Her tranquil surroundings and powerful sense of community make it almost idyllic. It is hard to imagine that you are only 16 miles from Edinburgh. The perfect escape for a day.

Turning left near the top of the village and past some new-build houses and we were on the path toward New Moor Road. A mecca, a monument, a Maracanã of the non-league football variety. Truly, when we saw it for the first time, we realised how special this ground is. In one of the most ‘Scottish football’ things we have witnessed at the Tour, the pitch was situated between several fields of grazing sheep and rolling hillsides. It was as if the farmer had swapped his crops for goalposts. Even we had never seen anything like it. The uniqueness of this club was immediately evident.

We strolled down a dirt track into the car park headed for the clubhouse. As it says on the Hotspur website, the operation began with a mere three shipping containers and this plot of land. Leased to them by a local landowner at a rate of £1 a year for 99 years! Once again, the strength of this community shining through.

One POUND! A YEAR?!

We stopped at the entrance to the ground where local lass Jody was sat collecting ticket money. She was laughing away with the dashing old James Thompson. James had plied his trade for the previous incarnation of Hotspur in the 70s. He was obviously a well-respected man in the community. We stood and chatted away with the pair of them, beaming the entire time in the cold Borders sun.

The Linton Hotspur beanie hat that Jodie wore immediately drew our eye. Sadly, as the club do not do merch yet, we were unable to saddle one on Aaron’s bald dome. We said our ‘see you in a bit’s’ and headed for the comfort of the lounge area, situated behind the nearside goal.

What greeted us inside was not an unfamiliar sight, but one that never fails to bring us unbounded joy. Here was the Vice Chairman of a football club, oven gloves on, ferrying pies from the oven to the counter, stocking the fridge with cider and beer. The smell of the Hotspur steak pie filling up the lounge area, already populated with Hotspur fans, as if the smell of the pies themselves had brought them inside.

Ivan was more than happy to let us have a poke around the ground, telling us that Campbell – the Club Chairman – would be with us as soon as he got a moment. Every last member of staff, no matter of their stature at Hotspur, was getting their hands dirty. Workmanlike. Their sole reward the slow elevation of this club.

We could see Ivan was busy so introduced ourselves quickly and went on our way. Doing a lap of the pitch and investigating whatever quirks New Moor Road had to offer us. Aside from the adjacent sheep farms obviously.

The real main course of New Moor Road is their all-seater main stand. Very few clubs at this level have such a crown jewel – re-engineered from one of those original shipping containers. Unnamed yet – maybe if this blog blows up it can be Mikey Tucker Main Stand or the Crow Shed.

The stand itself was very clean and had a modern feel to it. The seats were very nicely spaced apart for comfort but without sacrificing any potential for atmosphere. Cries of ‘CMON HOTSPUR!’ and replies of ‘MON THE FAULDHOOSE!’ were due to start ringing out in just a couple of hours.

Round the back of the goal and toward the dugouts on the opposite side. A unique wee sheltered standing area named The Coup stood between them. This stand was one for those future Hotspur Ultras, or for those desperate to hurl abuse.

New Moor Road just oozed charisma.

Even as someone who does not particularly follow football, our producer Don was still enamoured with the ground and the story behind its construction. Just as we meandered off the fine New Moor turf we were greeted by the foxy old face of Lindsay Swan. Linton Hotspur Club Secretary.

‘What’s your name?’ we asked, initially unsure of who he was.

‘Am no tellin’ ye.’ Came the wily response.

We tortured that information out of him later of course.

Swanny was good craic from the moment we started our “interview” with him. We started talking finances to which he mentioned that nobody in the operation was paid. Now it’s not uncommon for clubs at this level to be run by volunteers but for nobody to be taking any sort of wage; it proved to us that it was an endeavour of love. One that could so easily become one of frustration.

‘You can just see even eleven games in how much higher the pace and intensity is at this level.’

The level, of course being Scotland’s 9^th tier. The East of Scotland 3^rd Division. For now we would reserve judgement, having never witnessed a game at this level of the pyramid.

‘We already have several youth teams up to U18s.’ Asserted the Secretary. ‘The catchment area around here for players and fans is fairly huge.’ He gestured pointing to the rolling farmland visible all around.

Thank God Swanny isn’t in charge of the recruitment, or it would be Shaun the Sheep up top next weekend.

But in all seriousness, he was not wrong. The Scottish Borders in general are somewhat deprived of football clubs to follow. Biggar, Dolphinton, Peebles even. There are playing around this level but none of them have seized power. The Borders are there for the harvesting.

Oh, and top marks to Lindsay for the use of ‘catchment area’, he must have been studying his Tour lore.

Right on cue the man leading this operation was ready for us. The hospitality we had experienced throughout our day was centred on Campbell Forsyth, the Linton Hotspur chairman. We shook hands with the top dog and complimented the arena that they had crafted. Despite having no floodlights, Linton Hotspur had been accepted into the Senior leagues largely due to how impressive their facilities are.

‘We have spent between 60-70k on getting this right.’ Said Campbell. ‘Now we must consolidate our position in this league.’

Money well spent, necessarily so.

Commercially, the club are performing handstands every day. Drawing attention from various media outlets, generating an unprecedented level of publicity for the tier they play in. Even having their pies championed as ‘better than the Killie Pie’.

Vice Chairman Ivan’s claim of course.

But what about the football? That one glaring hole that we have been largely ignoring this whole time. We posed the question to Campbell.

‘So, in terms of footballing ambition. Do you have a 5-year plan for where you want the playing squad to be? What are your aims in terms of climbing the pyramid?’

‘Well,’ started the centre-half turned Chairman. ‘We do not have a 5-year plan as of yet… this year it is really about consolidating our position. We want to be able to walk before we can run and by getting the stuff right off the park we can give ourselves a solid platform to really start building from.’

‘We saw you just signed young Louie Graham from Penicuik. Fairly exciting considering he plays three divisions above?’

Campbell told us it had been a completely free transfer. They had literally just gotten the deal over the line. Mainly, the club would be planning to utilise the youth system to build the team. Major interest from within the village and surrounding area was already apparent. Louie Graham certainly sensed the ambition and decided to drop three tiers for the Hotspur vision.

‘Consolidate,’ was the word of the day. For now, it is certainly working a treat.

Demonstrating the current plans, Campbell pointed to what was currently an unused cabin next to the lounge.

‘We’re working on bringing in hospitality for example. A pint a pie and the football, all watched from in there.’ We could not have said it better ourselves Mr. Forsyth. It seems obvious, but getting a good hospitality package together can provide an essential stream of income at this level.

Just before we left him to it. Campbell had one final thought for us.

‘The last thing we want is to become one of these soulless clubs, you see a lot of the teams at this level… and I don’t know if they’ve just been doing it for too long, but they lose something. We do not want to become that. We do not want to be forgotten.’

It’s easy to see how he could worry about such a thing. There seems a tendency to fetishise clubs like West Linton nowadays. Today’s newspaper is tomorrow’s chippy paper as they say. Our day out had been anything but forgettable so far.

It was just about that time, as the players filtered out of the ‘tunnel’ and onto the New Moor Road turf. Before we could join the pie queue however, we were tapped on the shoulder by a tall, bunnet capped gentleman.

‘Have yis met the Bard o’ West Linton yet?’ Said he, laughing as he ushered over Mr. James Thompson once more. The ex-Hotspur man who we had met at the gate earlier in the afternoon.

Quickly, Mr Thompson whipped out his phone, explaining that he was a regular poet. He wanted to show us his poem on the rebirth of the mighty Linton Hotspur, proclaiming, ‘That ones from my first book.’

He played a recital of his poem Linton Hotspur. A rousing pre-match call. Thankfully, the recording ended within a hairs breadth of the minutes silence commencing. It was some powerful verse no doubt. Yet, it would be a lie to say that our arses were not twitching at the prospect of James Thompson’s booming performance being heard all around New Moor Road as the teams attempted to reflect.

Now it was time for the action. Pies, Bovril, 11v11. Truth be told, Ivan was not too far off the mark when he took aim at the Killie Pie. The Hotspur pie had it all; chunky steak, soft pastry. Simple, effective, brilliant.

For all of this off-field excitement and interest, there was one thing that we kept coming back to. A fairly important part some might say.

The football team.

Given the context, we had expected Hotspur to be not quite at the level of their competition. It is their very first season in the Senior’s, they have one win in the league all year, as well as a vastly inexperienced squad at this level. Things which all point toward a harsh reality.

Hotspur are just not a very good football team at the moment.

In fairness to them, for most of the match they were competitive and plugged away at Fauldhouse. Commitment and effort is there in abundance. The physical Forrest up top and fiery Brown at right stood out to us. Forrest had his chances but just was not quite composed enough. Brown had a good touch and was decent up the line. He was also very vocal throughout which we appreciated.

New boy Louie Graham can play as well. He was just guilty of trying too much too often. Release the ball faster rather than trying to take on that extra man. Hotspur are by no means BAD, just not very good nor full of confidence. Fauldhouse were not great either and on a different day Linton could have made it a closer affair.

3-0 on reflection maybe flattered Fauldhouse but no mistake they deserved to win. Like I said, a bit more quality and composure is the difference between midtable and 10^th in this league.

For Campbell’s vision to be proven right, they will have to build on the attention and off-field success to improve the playing squad next season. Pies, stands and borderland countryside are all amazing strings to the Hotspur bow, but without results it will only take you so far.

The abundance of local sponsors and a crowd of 117 at New Moor Road were indicative of a community that is immensely proud of the work being done here. Rightly so. It is such a heartfelt and exciting operation which the Hotspur staff have put together. We just hope that the youth of Carlops have been doping, or the youth system becomes Scotland’s answer to Ajax Amsterdam. Who knows? The vision is so tantalising. We would love to see this club begin to compete at a higher level in this game – with this community behind them – they absolutely deserve it.

Tour MotM goes to Hotspur’s fullback Brown, who joins our star studded HoF. Sandwiched right between Zach Khan and Kevin Nicoll. Congratulations sir, you’re vintage programme is in the post.

To all of the people we met on our day out, thank you for taking us into your club and making us feel like one of your community. We were one dram away from sacking off our return home and staying until close at the Gordon Arms after the game. Maybe we will have to come back and make sure we do stay until the lights go off next time.

See you in the hospitality suite!

Du-du-du-du LINTON HOTSPUR…

THE TOUR RATING – 68

Aaron: 65

Atmosphere – 67

Facilities – 74

Team – 54

Mikey: 71

Atmosphere –  87

Facilities – 85

Team – 71

Musselburgh Athletic F.C. – The Match Programme #12

Gary Anderson, a racecourse and the best chippy in the Lowlands.

Not the start of a bad joke, but a trio of valid boasts which the East Lothian town of Musselburgh has to offer. Yet one part of the town’s historic tapestry seems untapped. 

Their football club.

East Lothian has never boasted a top flight football club, nor a Championship club… hang on. This massive region of South-East Scotland has never once hosted a single league member club. The biggest population centre in Scotland to have never been sufficiently entertained by a swashbuckling SPFL side.

Musselburgh Athletic plan to change all of that.

Yes you have Tranent, Preston Athletic and Elon Musk’s Haddington Town. Yet it is the boys in blue and white who seem to be grabbing the majority of the attention, maybe in the entire East of Scotland League at the moment. An impending Scottish Cup match on the tele, growing attendances and great pop online for sending a generous care-package to a fellow groundhopper. A box replete with scarves, pins, programmes, photographs when he had asked only for a single pin. Great publicity for the ‘Burgh.

After a Friday night under the Olivebank Arena lights, we could see that that publicity was well deserved.

So off we set to Olivebank, the historical home of Musselburgh, based in the town’s maritime heart of Fisherrow. Here, on our latest tour of the terraces we would witness a South of Scotland Challenge Cup tie between Musselburgh and massive underdogs Edinburgh College FC.

The rain was flashing down on our heads as Aaron and I approached the Olivebank gates. Gates are exactly what they were, the club initials MAFC welded across the front, steel blue and towering overhead. WELCOME TO OLIVEBANK STADIUM.

A sense of grandeur was inspired from our first moments of loitering outside the ground; the long path leading toward the shut gates would be an impressive sight at any level, unexpected in the 6th tier.

What greeted us through the pearly blues was an even more impressive sight, a broad and sweeping pitch worthy of the old ‘bowling green’ cliche. A pitch that was one of the most impressive we have seen on our adventures, even including the very top of our game. This pitch could go toe to toe with the best of them (We’re looking at you Partick Thistle). Standing watch over the halfway line was a nicely sized blue shelter, The Belmont Stand. Closing the ground behind the goals were the changing rooms, lounge/bar area and another sheltered spectators area complete with tables and fold out chairs for some of the old timers. 

The dreich and drizzling sky just added to the overall atmosphere pre-match; this was Scottish football at its most authentic, its most heartfelt. Under the graying evening shuffled Mr. Kevin Liston at the far end of the pitch, Club President and for this evening, pitch maintenance, as he sauntered down the touchline, litter-picker in hand.

It has not been a completely unfamiliar sight in our travels, particularly the further down the pyramid you go, take Ronnie Wood with his pitchfork and wellies on our Cliftonhill visit for example. Yet it never ceases to warm the heart, witnessing a top exec at any club take on the most humble of tasks, prepared to do anything to drive their club to the highest level they can. Kevin Liston was certainly no different.

Having only left the amateur game behind in 2018, Musselburgh have only very recently started to compete in the Scottish Cup whilst casting a beady eye to the divisions above; league football beckons. 

‘There’s no point in being involved unless you want to play at a higher level,’ asserted Mr. Liston – the sort of language that we just absolutely love to hear at the tour. Also language we have heard many times at the tour, from Dave Brown at Stirling, ‘We will be in the Championship by 2023,’ not quite too far off in fairness; Jacqui Low in 2019/2020, who’s Partick Thistle side were promptly relegated from the Championship. The rhetoric is great, crucial in fact. Yet,  can it be backed up? Is the question that always lingers in our minds.

From our visit and from what we could tell, the answer seemed unequivocally yes, with the club operating at an extremely efficient level already. The team of Mr. Liston, Commercial Manager David MacLean, Manager Liam Burns and Treasurer Euan Hall have fostered a real ambition at the blue and white ‘burgh. It seeped through in everything that we saw and that they did.

Kevin Liston, the serious and determined figurehead of the business operation, led us inside the home changing room whilst we yakked away about the strength of the first team playing squad. A squad which yields some impressive and perhaps recognisable names for the more discerning reader – Matthew Knox, George Hunter, Kris Renton and Declan O’ Kane to name a few. Sadly, due to a mixture of injuries and the level of opposition (Edinburgh College being two tiers below) we were due to see a changed up XI on display, led by skipper and lower league stalwart Declan O’ Kane. I could almost smell the big man’s boots from here.

The dressing room however smelt of anything but dirty boots. Well kept and well stocked (Tangfastics located) this was easily befitting of a League Two, potentially even a League One club. Tactical messages on the wall (don’t worry Mr. Burns your key messages are safe with us) physios table in the centre and a dart board standing strong in the corner. Genius stuff.

After knocking out a couple of quick 180’s to much applause from the ground staff, Aaron and I followed Mr. Liston back out into the drizzle briefly before being shown inside Broon’s Bar. The lounge and pre-match boozer area for the gathering Musselburgh fanatics. Around 100 season ticket holders speaks for itself in Scottish non-league, clearly the club can certainly boast an immense following for the level. Most fans would never even consider a club in the East of Scotland Premiership could draw so many dedicated followers. A figure that becomes even more impressive when you look at the clubs ability to regularly pull in a couple hundred at home games.

How many season ticket holders do East Fife have for example? I cannot imagine it is much more than the total that Musselburgh Athletic have. A number that will only be sure to increase with continued success and when coupled with the towns large… wait for it… CATCHMENT AREA… a new force with considerable backing from the stands is easily imagined at Olivebank. 

Aaron and I were shown around the Hugh Fergsuon Lounge, where you could enjoy a pre-match drink, watch the scores coming in and gabber away to the locals. A fantastic ground and a South of Scotland Challenge Cup battle building to KO outside. We were certainly sold. The lounge was well-decorated with pennants, history and various shirts. A signed Spurs pendant (Tottenham not West Linton) stood out as slightly incongruous. It was about then Mr. Liston turned to us and asked.

‘Do you know who John White is, boys?’

Desperately, Aaron and I racked our brains for something, anything, a crumb of knowledge that we could offer up to Mr. Liston.

But alas, all we could muster was a whimpering ‘No… no we haven’t.’ 

Pointing to the Spurs banner and to an impressive trophy in a glass cabinet Mr. Liston explained that John White was a highly regarded Scotland international during the 50s and 60s. A Musselburgh local, John White had started his career at the ‘Burgh, before moving to Alloa and eventually Spurs for £22,000! A tasty sum for 1959! ‘The Ghost’ John White lit up White Hart Lane for 5 years, but morbidly, tragically was killed by a lightning strike of all things. He was only 27 years old. 

A Musselburgh legend, commemorated in his memorial trophy and honoured in the telling of his story.

With thoughts of thunder and the sounds of the intensifying downpour outside, we really only had one choice. Collect our thoughts and notes in the Musselburgh lounge, Broon’s Bar providing us with tins of Strongbow and Tennents aplenty. It was time to soak up that pre-match atmosphere.

Before long the fans began to filter in and although Mr. Liston had predicted a smaller crowd this evening, owing to the weather and level of opposition, the Hugh Ferguson Lounge was soon buzzing.

Soon, we were introduced to David MacLean, the man who we saw as the secret sauce in this whole operation. Mr. MacLean had produced a 5 year plan for Musselburgh Athletic, one that was bursting with ambition.

‘We want to be in League Two,’ it really is as simple as that. These are the guys putting in the graft behind the scenes that can make that dream come true for this town and this football club. Mr. MacLean mentioned 3 points that he identified as crucial in building that momentum. Firstly, gain exposure (happy to help David) Secondly, come and see the operation, enjoy yourself. Third, can you get involved? Really, it is a superb opportunity to get in amongst a club moving in the right direction, with capable hands steering the ship. 

We carried on chatting away about ways the club has managed to raise money through sponsorships, events at the club etc. The famous Musselburgh Racecourse for example, a great resource that the club has used to its advantage for interest and income. Before long we were talking Scottish football in general – Mr. MacLean could have kept us there all night with his questions about our various tours and his warm personality. For us he summed up the entire club. Focused and serious on one hand, jovial and welcoming on the other.

This was the main difference we found between our Musselburgh tour and our Whitehill Welfare tour. Whitehill were hospitable and run by fantastic people, we had a great time when we were there. John Bird was a superb guy, great laugh and clearly a massive character with a warm heart. Debbie Hilton as the utility woman was absolutely lovely and, as all of the other Whitehill staff, super dedicated to her role in the club. 

Yet the non-league institution that is Whitehill Welfare languish in the East of Scotland First Division, whilst Musselburgh Athletic go from strength to strength under the current regime. Whitehill Welfare seemed almost directionless, not completely pulling together in one direction in unison. A group of friends doing it because they love the club and they love the community. 

And that’s fine.

Musselburgh Athletic however are completely working in tandem – the whole team are very serious about their business and take the club just as seriously as any group of individuals we have ever met at any level of the game. The level of professionalism on display was genuinely surprising and not because they are non-league but because the backroom seemed to be operating at a more productive level than Jacqui Low’s Partick Thistle or even John Nelms’ Dundee.

It is no wonder they have been met with a high amount of praise in the world of Scottish Football media recently. We here at the Tour are just the latest duo to jump on the Mussy shaggin’ bandwagon. I’m all here for it.

We made our way out just before kick-off and took our place in the terrace of the Belmont Stand. Quite a crowd had gathered for the match despite the unlikely conditions. We reckoned about 150-200. Seriously good stuff.

The atmosphere was decent inside the Belmont Stand as the referee got proceedings started. Tricky winger Zachary Khan looked like a frothy wee player from the outset. Big Nathan Evans up-top working the Edinburgh College backline.

Yet, it was the College who were first to strike, a cool finish from their centre-forward into the far corner hushed up the previously lively Musselburgh mob and fears of a cup upset flashed quickly into Olivebank.

Just as quickly those fears were alleviated, as Nathan Evans found himself on the scoresheet after a mix up at the back for the College. Soon the floodgates would open right up. 7-1 it would finish to Musselburgh Athletic, Nathan Evans pocketing a hattrick and Zachary Khan taking home a Tour MotM. Congratulations Zach, you join an illustrious Hall of Fame alongside names such as Andy Black, Matty Todd and Cammy Kerr. 

(Sorry Zach! You at Bonnyrigg U20’s was all we could find)

Even with all of the above being true, the hard work will continue for the team at Musselburgh if they plan to make East Lothian league football a reality. The drive and ambition is there, the building blocks certainly seem in place but football is a funny old thing. Who knows what the future holds for Liam Burns and company? I for one can easily foresee him managing at a higher level, be it with Musselburgh or another outfit. See you in the Hampden dugout one day Mr Burns. 

We here at the Tour love all of the clubs that welcome us into their worlds but very rarely do we truly take a club into our own world the way we have with Musselburgh – it’s a long way to the top but we are extremely confident that they will make it there. Maybe they’ll even sneak into League Two before Tranent can do it.

Thanks again to everyone at the club, it was a brilliant, dreich and dark night at the Olivebank Arena. Aaron and I will return, most likely in the Hibs or Aberdeen away end, watching on, as Kevin Liston smirks at us from across the ground and Zach Khan slots home his 3rd of the match, Musselburgh 5 Aberdeen 0. BOOKMARK IT!

Here are our final ratings for Musselburgh Athletic and the Olivebank Arena.

Facilities: 69

Atmosphere: 68

Team: 74

Giving you a grand total of – 70 

ALL ABOARD!

‘A Defence of Scottish Football’

Firstly, I want to address a point that was raised in our last article ‘Is Scottish Football Dying?’ A point raised via the various responses we received online, not all of which were glowing, you will be shocked into horror to discover. The point that was brought to attention was that Scottish football is primarily consumed live, whilst other leagues are mainly consumed via live television, rendering my point about Scottish Football’s overall aesthetic requiring massive improvement, mute.

My point was that while Scottish football is undoubtedly mainly watched in attendance rather than from the armchair (we are the highest attended league in Europe per population) we still need to improve the overall image of our game and the way that it is portrayed on not only a domestic level but an international one. This needs to be done so that the Scottish league is appreciated for the genuinely thrilling spectacle that it really is, rather than seeming like a league for English Championship rejects and Polish Division Two standouts. It might seem like my reasoning for this seems to be purely superficial, purely narcissistic, but this is simply not the case. You cannot underestimate the importance of aesthetics in modern football. My example of the English Premier League in last week’s article demonstrated how the aesthetic on which it has been built has created the notion of ‘the best league in the world’ when it is really not. It just has the most hype, the most focus and the sleekest presentation of any other football institution. Naturally, it follows that the best players and managers want to play in a league where they are framed as titans rather than mere footballers.

In the beautiful game, it may seem like the way things look are purely of surface value but as the game has evolved the importance of to the way the game is presented to the consumer has become massive. The whole perception of the league is based on it. Not just from other countries but domestically. The younger generation will find their opinions all too influenced by the messages of EPL superiority over Scottish Prem, who will agree with their 1,000 followers that Scotland is a ‘pub league’. This happens not just through in-game presentation, but in the advertisements, endorsements, the players you see on billboards and the stadiums which are modelled as thriving, cramped hotbeds of atmosphere. These images which are conjured effectively and forced down our throats regularly leaves the average football fan stuffed to the gunnels with processed meat; bloated, half-satiated and unmoving in the armchair ready to watch irrelevant ‘contests’ back-to-back (Super Sunday). Try telling me that Dean Court or the Hawthorns is as atmospheric as Tannadice or even Fir Park on a big day.

The tools are already there in our league, our beautiful and chaotic league. We just need our governing bodies (SFA, SPFL) to make brave decisions, try some original thought and shift their focus from presenting us as a two horse race every single year, to encompassing the wider beauty of the league. Until there is a genuine belief from the top, that our league has more to offer than the ugly sisters, there will be a necrotic rot that will never change. A stagnating and stale league left behind in the dark ages as Celtic and Rangers annually take turns at having their way with the other ten cowering top-flight clubs. The rot that I talk of HAS to be removed from our league if it is to hold any credence in the modern game as times evolve. By this I do not mean exiling Celtic and Rangers or any such ridiculous notion, simply the patina that has developed around them is sickly and unhealthy for our game. The ‘rot’ is not exclusive to the dominance of Celtic and Rangers but extends to the apathetic individuals within indifferent clubs who have stood by acceptingly, allowing the OF juggernaut to increase speed to a terminal velocity, without anyone ever really getting right in their faces and treating them as worthy opponents rather than in a league above. It may be right that Rangers and Celtic simply are too financially powerful, too renowned, too good to ever be dragged into the slime of a 4^th or 5^th placed finish. An argument that becomes increasingly porous as we move through the January transfer window, Celtic looking more bedraggled with every passing week and if any of the teams in the top half had really made a push, Celtic would be mired in it with the rest of us common folks.

Fair enough, Rangers are an excellent footballing side this season capable of giving a game to anyone in Europe at Ibrox this season. And yet, Saint Mirren, arguably the best organised side in the league, put in a display worthy of progressing in any tournament, as they dispatched Rangers from the Betfred Cup. Saint Mirren, one of the clubs that I have heard other Scottish fans dismiss as ‘diddy’ ‘tin-pot’ even ‘fake-huns’. All ridiculous notions, especially given the sentiment which I know exists amongst St Mirren fans towards the OF. My point is that clubs like Saint Mirren (for example) deserve far greater respect than they are shown in media and by other fans. Of course, disrespect your rival teams, hurl abuse at them and denounce them in the boozer, but what is dangerous is the inherent belief (that unfortunately exists) that Saint Mirren are a pointless entity, supported by part-time Celtic and Rangers fans. This is why I find it so important that the presentation of our game improves, if certain clubs had their fan culture better displayed and more clearly outlined it would inevitably improve interest and fan engagement. I remember seeing Saint Mirren fill the away end at East End Park on their push to the Championship title when they last came up. The end was filled with banners, flags, drums, chanting fans. Saint Mirren or Bayern Munich? I was unsure.

Saint Mirren’s victory over Rangers this season proves that there is enough quality in the league for any team to have a go and beat anyone else. Just look at Livingston at the moment, another team written off by journalists, fans and pundits as ‘hoofers’ ‘hammerthrowers’ etc. Since David Martindale came into his long-awaited role as Livi manager they have been organised in defence whilst intelligent in attack, playing patiently and to their strengths. Martindale is a man whom I have given high praise to before when we visited the Tony Macaroni for only our second Tour all those years ago. It was clear that David Martindale had the drive back then even, bellowing at his players for 90 minutes during a 0-0 draw with Falkirk. At the time of writing, he has taken Livingston on a ten-game unbeaten run, most recently involving a 2-2 draw with Celtic at home, taking a point from the Bhoys as they did earlier in the season at Parkhead. The point here is that Celtic are not invincible, Rangers are a seriously improved outfit this season, but once again not invincible. The first step to changing the competitiveness of our league, has to happen within the minds and hearts of all the players, all the managers, even the fucking dinner-ladies. Doubtless there are those who do not see each year as a pointless endeavour to finish 5^th instead of 8^th or to narrowly avoid relegation for the 13^th season in a row, but this must extend to all involved in our game for a significant change to happen.

Like the majority of my fellow Scots I absolutely love our game and I have seen the beautiful side of it so many times. My sheep-shagging heroes beating Celtic 2-1 at Pittodrie with 10 men, when Motherwell beat us at Pittodrie to finish 3^rd, when Albion Rovers scored in the 90^th minute in the pishing rain to pull equal with Airdrie in the Monklands derby. On and on I could go. I sincerely believe that our league is a very high standard of football – yes there are turgid affairs – no more turgid than you would find the majority of games to be in England, Spain or Italy on a Saturday. The notion of Scotland as a lower quality division compared to the European ‘top leagues’ is a fabrication. We are made out to be a league of hilariously low standards: players will slip and miss open goals, or the ball will remain in the air for minutes on end, players unable to take the ball under control, they are not technically skilled enough. Such a clip circulated on Twitter one season when Aberdeen played Celtic. In what was one of the most thrilling games of the year, Aberdeen defeated Celtic 2-1, (once again) helped along the way by a Jonny Hayes piledriver. Yet, it was a twenty second clip of back-and-forth headers between Aberdeen and Celtic defenders which made the internet as the sole representation of this game of football. A game which had it been in England or Spain or even Belgium would have been used as a shining example of the league’s quality and entertainment value. This is just one example of hundreds, thousands that could be used to illustrate my point. It is a lie that is brazen enough to tell us our game is technically devoid. A lie that is so humungous, so tangled that it is hard to decipher the truth when we have so many sources scrutinising and comparing us to the English game. It is through mediums like social media and the unfortunate skid-mark ‘Talksport’ that the myth of Scottish footballing of misery/comedy is perpetuated. The talk-show serves to consistently dredge up the most sycophantic headlines its insidious content creators can scheme up. Coupled with the most obvious bait in terms of headlines, Talksport is pushed into the realms of ‘LadBible’ or ‘things you would wipe your rotten arsehole with’ and is just one of many ‘British’ sports-shows that is unashamedly English centric and will delightedly suck the marrow from the bones of our game if it means a few extra clicks.

So, to answer my question from last week (at last) ‘Is Scottish Football Dying?’ my answer is without a shadow of a doubt NO. ‘Our game will never die’, as somebody correctly pointed out to us in a fan forum, but our game can grow old, weary and ultimately stinking of Werthers Originals. Some fans might disagree with my viewpoint, preferring the ‘fuck ‘em we don’t need to modernise our game approach’ and that my friends is truly fair enough. In this humble writer’s opinion there has come a time, some might say a sad time, in football and general sports entertainment where it is vitally important for your product to look as good as it can. Our game does not look as polished, as important, or even as serious as other leagues around Europe, and that is something which can only be changed from the top down. Everyone loves to rip on Accies, but seriously there are clubs in League Two, clubs even in the Highland or Lowland League that would look more appealing in the top-flight than Hamilton and their sparse band of beaten down rag tags.

I feel that once a major stylistic change has taken place, if it is the right one and manages to project our game with dignity, then I foresee a sudden shift in how the Scottish League is perceived. I must make clear that I do not mean to have a sterilized product as the Premier League has become. Simply, a presentation which is knowledgeable, represents all twelve top-flight clubs fairly and equally as well as providing appropriate build up, hype, in depth analysis by relevant individuals. That excludes you Alex Rae. These are extremely simple expectations which every major league in Europe has had provided for them – so why not us? Opposed to a comical negligence which only degrades our product to the external viewer.

To surmise, in my opinion the Scottish game is quite obviously the only real option. The Scottish game is undeniably thrilling. We do not get the respect we deserve. We do not get the respect we deserve because of how we are represented on the European and World stage. We will get the respect we deserve.

“That is horse piss and rotted straw, he thought. It is a good odour to breathe. It will calm my heart. My heart is quite calm now. I will go back.”

Is Scottish Football Dying?

I want to start with a question, a simple question that has been echoed as patter, repeated in worry, or hurled as abuse at our beautiful game. Is Scottish football shite? Or, if you want to take the same dour thoughts and extrapolate them to the next level – Is Scottish football dying? No doubt a question that has rumbled through all our paranoid minds at some point or another. After all, how could you not question our footballing existence when two clubs are seen as the entire sum of our game? When you flick on a 12:30 KO to watch a half empty stadium with two stands and the half of the stadium that is filled, is filled with away fans… let’s not even mention the Sainsbury’s eh Accies fans? When we are force fed the rich and dense chocolate cake that is the Premier League every weekend? Just to use the ‘number one league in the world’ – as it is so often quoted – for my argument’s sake. The Premier League has it all on paper; the world’s most expensive players, huge packed-out stadiums, gigantic personalities. Of course, our game pales in comparison when you situate it in opposition to Manchester United, MNF and Martin Tyler – and herein lies the initial fault that we all make when chastising our own game and its weaknesses. Our league is not the Premier League and should not even be in the same conversation; the differences are vast and almost innumerable between the two divisions. Not even necessarily from a gulf in class – look at European encounters between clubs in recent history, (Aberdeen v Burnley, Celtic v Man City, Hearts v Liverpool). Players often transition from England and really struggle to adapt to our game but perform strongly in England; Joey Barton, James Collins, Roberto Vaz Te, to name a few. All flopped in Scotland but have excelled in the English Premier League and the English Championship.

I strongly believe that the main attraction of the English Premier League is not rooted in the quality of the players, nor the substance of the matches but it comes from the overall aesthetic that Sky, BT, and other media outlets have created for the Premier League. A spectacle that is reinforced as the best in the world over and over again by a nefarious team of pundits, commentators and supposed ‘experts’ will undoubtedly become the ‘best’ in the public opinion. The illusion of grandeur created by the media outlets is not the only element in sustaining the EPL at the top – even going so far as to discredit foreign leagues, foreign teams, and foreign players in a bid to solidify their own superiority as undoubtedly number one. The plethora of unfounded biased statements that comes from the various ‘football experts’ south of the border is unignorable and only serves to underscore the supreme arrogance that permeates the punditry and presentation. Personally, I can remember the casual nature of Sky Sports pundits as they dismissed a Lyon team against Manchester City in the Champions League last year, who referred to Ligue 1 as a ‘Farmers League’ on multiple occasions. Charlie Nicholas labelling the game as an ‘exhibition’ at one-point pre-kick off and claiming that ‘the hard bit is getting to the final and winning the cup’ when Man City were just in the Quarter Finals themselves. So, what is my point in all of this? Most football fans know these things already and are more than aware of the English game’s institutional arrogance. The relevance of this comes when this self-declared superiority is believed by the masses who will then automatically buy into a product (The Premier League) as the best in the world when all the coverage says is that it is the best in the world. How many times have you switched on a Premier League game with excitement in your heart only to be bored to tears after 45 minutes of Tyler and Smith slogging away at some dinosaur banter? I’m not even saying that it is the Premier League’s fault for our game’s own decline but merely the comparison that exists between our own game and the beaming bright lights of the glamorous English Premier League. Not only the coverage but the finances to buy the biggest names in the sport, the consistently packed-out stadiums and long build ups to big matches all come together to create the premium aesthetic that is the Premier League. Despite the quality of a match – no matter how dull or how thrilling – the games will always seem bigger, better, and more important, simply because of how their product is portrayed to the world. Do not get me wrong, this does not come from any bitterness or anti-English sentiment, in fact I would be a hypocrite to not admit that I actively follow it despite knowing all of the above, as many of us do. Simply I am outlining the reasons why our game seems to be weak and I find one of them to be the nearby, constant presence of the ‘best league in the world’.

I also find, having attended numerous fixtures in Scotland and England, that the entertainment value is really on par – games in Scottish League 2 can be and are often more thrilling than the top of the table Premier League clashes, which can often be tense and conservative, in comparison to high scoring mud baths, plagued with mistakes and lit up by moments of genius. These fixtures and lower league clubs are something to be embraced massively by towns with local teams, with half-full stadiums often being a point of criticism aimed at Scottish Football. In reality, Scotland is the most attended country for football in Europe per a recent study (2018) with a staggering 0.21% of Scots attending the football on matchday, in comparison to 0.07% in England, 0.06% in Spain and 0.05% in Germany. So, when you compare us to Europe’s other top leagues you can see that there is not a lack of interest towards the game up here as one would assume from half full grounds. It really is just impossible to divide a nation of 5.5 million people amongst so many football clubs and expect consistent high attendances. The solution in my opinion is in the improvement of the presentation of our game that could be the key to the Scottish top-flight making its way back to the top reaches of European football.

The current coverage situation is absolutely disgusting. There is no other way of putting it. Despite an outrageous number of errors in advertising our game (primarily by Sky) there has never once been an apology or even acknowledgement of the multitude of mistakes that the broadcasters have made. Rather than treating our league like some kind of joke, a parody of a top-flight division; we need coverage and advertisement which fairly markets all of the teams equally and builds them up accordingly. The focus on Celtic and Rangers is undeniably massive, the other teams would benefit hugely from bigger hype as well as televising games which don’t just involve the Old Firm.

Carrying on from my point earlier about aesthetics, a lot of the teams need a revamp in terms of their image. Accies need to be relegated for a start. Jokes aside, they do need to at least find a way of blocking out the car park and Sainbury’s behind the goal. For a neutral observer switching over for a look at a Scottish Premier League fixture that does not know much about our game, it is really not a good look. Another that comes to mind is Killie’s hellbent desire on placing the away fans in the upper tier away from the camera, giving the appearance of an empty stand behind the goal. I’m not saying solving these things will directly take us to the top of European football, but it is certainly a start. An improvement in the image, a professional and creative presentation would lead in the long term to a higher interest not just domestically but internationally. Can you imagine if a broadcaster put the same effort into building up Scottish fixtures as they did into Burnely v Newcastle? Or even some English League Two games! I find it difficult to believe that anything will change in the near future but that when it does, we will be able to have a product that even more Scots will embrace and a product that can stand up proudly on the world stage.

Dundee United F.C. – The Match Programme #11

‘All the world’s a bearpit, and all the men and women Scottish Football fanatics,’ once asserted the great Bard, Mr Willy Shakedog himself. Potentially this was when he visited Tannadice for the first time? After all, how could a football club with such enormous presence and quite the kaleidoscopic history not inspire even the biggest rugby wanker? Even the most braindead sheepshagging bastard?? (Mikey). Or spoonburning hairless gimps??? (Aaron).

Inspiration was certainly the theme of the day in Dundee. A city that inspired us to restart our journey, a club who’s recent form is simply inspiring; after a rise and fall nobody could fully predict and eventually, an inspired return to the top flight waiting in the wings? Surely this is their year.

Admittedly the Arabs, the Terrors, the Tangerines are the biggest club we have taken on thus far – (Aside: That means you’re bigger than Dundee lads, sooo.. how about some early door brownie points for strawing the mighty, mighty Tangerine dream??)

Shaking our ring rust off like a post-pish-penis-shake, we deliberated on what and where to Tour; how were we going to Tour it after such a long hiatus? Simple. We left our fate in the hands of our trusty followers. Our crazed. impassioned fanatics, those whom had remained loyal to the Tour of the Terraces crown – were given a vote to decide where our train should halt for the first time in 11 months and 16 days. ‘To Dundee or not Dundee?’ we asked.

Overwhelmingly, the masses begged and screamed for the scaffiest losers in Sports Entertainment to take in the match day experience of a sleeping Scots giant. Dundee United Football Club. It is tricky to even know where to begin concerning the Terrors of the North-East, especially when considering the tumultuous past decade that the club and it’s frustrated supporters have experienced.

Let us just momentarily transport our minds back to former glories, the 15th May 2010. United have just trounced Division One side Ross County by 3 goals to 0 to pick up their second Scottish Cup, a Europa League place has been secured and would remain secure for 3 seasons.

Add to that another 2 cup final appearances (Scottish Cup and League Cup) as well as a fountain of young talented Scottish footballers the club seemed to indefatigably churn out – Andy Robertson sourced from Queens Park, Conway from Ayr United, Mackay-Steven, Stuart Armstrong, David Goodwillie and Jonny Russell, all through the youth system. Even historically the names are recognisably striking; Hegarty, Malpas, Gough, Derek Stark, David Narey, Derek Ferguson. All United alumni.

You would be asking yourself how a club which had procured or produced so much talent in such a short period did not add more silverware to their trophy cabinet; let alone find themselves sentenced to 4 years (and counting) in the Scottish Championship. Yet the unthinkable happened; through a mixture of complacent negligence, financial mismanagement and a squad dreadfully below the standards of the clubs supporters, United managed only 3 wins at Tannadice in the league all through the 2015/16 SPFL season. Subsequently, the Arabs were ejected from the top-flight with the condemning result coming at the hands of their hated Navy neighbours.

Dundee United have – much to the ire of their irrefutably loyal fan-base – yet to taste the once familiar surroundings of the Scottish Premiership since then. It is hard not to sympathise with United fans, a lot of whom will view their club as one of the bigger boys in Scottish Football. And rightly so. In our own Scottish Football upbringing it was difficult to fathom a Top 6 without a Dundee United side. A side that could potentially slip into the bottom six during a poor harvest but relegation required a hellish drought. A hellish drought is exactly what happened.

It is clear from the second you speak to Dundee United fans that there is an aura of success and a desire to succeed that permeates the club, a feeling, which we find often comes from historical greatness of seemingly unsurpassable achievements. The slighty older Dundee United fans will have been lucky enough to experience these achievements. A stature created by Jim McLean, a gargantuan figure surrounding Tannadice. A figure that brought home a League Championship in 1983, captured League Cups in ’79 & 80′ and had a chomp at European success in ’84 and ’86.

Unfortunately for the annals of time, it was not to be. European Cup semi-finalists and UEFA Cup finalists – Roma and Gothenburg – both took their turns to deny the humble Tayside outfit from that ultimate, crowning Continental success. Nevertheless, the point remains that tangible success and games of a monumental stature are simply woven into the fabric of Dundee United Football Club. We were simply ecstatic to be back on the road again, ready to dip our metaphorical oil stick into the now resurgent and fully operational Tangerine engine.

So about 357 or so days late, our own rusty engine finally creaked back into action as we got off our lazy arses and boarded the train headed up the East Coast, toward the City of Discovery for the second time on our journey. We had actually previously intended to visit Tannadice around a year and a half ago but that visit had been cancelled as the club had emailed us at the time to ask if we could rearrange for another weekend.

Little did they (or we) know the ‘rearranged’ weekend would be around 15 months later and on a day’s notice. Once again, when we presented our case to United this time around they asked if it could be rearranged, as it was too short notice at such a busy time. Sadly, we could not spare them our shite patter and ugly mugs this any longer – our train tickets had been booked and the twitter poll die-cast – this time there was no cowards way out.

Slightly unsure of what actually awaited us on Tannadice Street, our match tickets uncollected, no interview or stadium tour arranged. It was time to get blootered. We clenched our buttocks and slammed down a bottle of Mikey’s girlfriend’s celebratory Prossecco (ooo fizzy fun with the girlies tehe xx) we were invigorated with a much needed clarity of mind and a straighter thinking process in preparation for the Tour. We felt we were back already, getting pished and talking shite at a random fitba game, can’t beat it.

Walking up through the centre of town up the steep streets of Dundee towards the nucleus where the photon and neutron of Dens and Tannadice sit clustered adjacent to one another in a truly unique, truly local, rivalry. The oft quoted fact that Dundee and Dundee United share the closest grounds of the UK is paraded out whenever the sides meet. However,  it is truly startling when you see the distance with your own eyes. A mere crane of the head and you bear witness to your clubs most hated city rivals, weird and brilliant.

Putting on our mad dog faces and walking into the club reception we were greeted by the receptionist, who we have to say was one of the friendliest and most personable we have met so far on our Tours. She got Riki on the phone for us immediately and requested access for us to enter the ground and take a few pics of Tannadice pre-KO. Riki spoke to Mikey briefly on the phone and admitted there would be no time for an interview; they had allowed for us to go ahead with our coverage of the club and permission was granted to slip inside the Mothership, taking action shots of old Lady Tannadice before the Tangerine Army could descend.

When you stand in a football stadium before a ball is kicked, before there is a single sad case sitting solo in the family stand 2 hours before kick-off, you get an overwhelming idea of how that particular stadium must feel to a player. Tannadice is a matchbox. Hemmed in close, stands towering overhead, completely encircled barring one corner, the iconic stadium is that for a reason and it’s once famous red-hot atmosphere is easiest to imagine when standing on the field, the palpable hue of anticipation in the air.

New boys to the league and by no means struggling, part-timers Arbroath were the opposition – almost a minor derby from an Arab point of view, a major derby from a Lichtie perspective, a chance to get one over on the city boys. It was safe to say that Tannadice Stadium impressed us from the moment we walked through the press gate.

With the much awaited 15:00 hour roll call steaming into view, we decided it was time to top up the alarmingly empty T Tank, no Tennents had so much as been sniffed at thus far. Needing a local mind to sort us out, we turned to Tour of the Terraces’ very own secret love affair in the form of Mr Cambo, a Dundee United Twitter presence and a mythical pen pal of ours. Cambo said for us to visit The Troll Inn for a good pre-match pint, plus there would be a few staunch Tangerine men to bask in the presence of. He was certainly not wrong.

The boozer really had the feel of that pre-game anticipation, fans crammed in, pints flowing, BO reeking across the fonts (some teams more than others). Sinking into a beautifully poured, beautifully priced Tennents (£2.70 a pop) we were ready to dig into the fan culture a bit more. Below we have inserted our fan interview (which took place inside Tannadice pre-match) with a United supporter named Fraser Cameron, who’s posse consisted of Jamie Robson’s father, respectable gentlemen I’m sure we can all agree. Fraser gave us some much needed insight to the thoughts and opinions of United fans across the country.

1. Firstly, going down to the Championship was never on the agenda for United. Is there a sense of anger that it has taken this long for you to be back on the right track?

A.  “It’s been very frustrating to be honest with you,” he started, “I thought we would come right back up but it has been already proven by Rangers and Hibs, this quite simply isn’t the case for clubs, nobody has a given right to return straight away.” He then noted in regards to the club’s potential promotion, “never say never but if we blow it from here then wow!”

2. Nobody wants to see it, but if he is sold in summer then how much do you reckon Shankland should be exiting the club for?

A.  Fraser stated, “Well on the radio on the way in the owner has claimed a price tag of £3 million might not even be enough!” He went onto share his opinion, “we could even get more from him and he deserves the tag, but it is obviously still healthy sum of cash”.

3. Has Robbie Neilson been the saviour of Dundee United?

A.  “Well, I don’t know about him being the saviour,” Fraser exclaimed. “Of course if he gets us up then its brilliant what he has done for the club,” He added. “However, a time will come where he is past it and we will need a new man in,” he stated. Giving an example, Fraser said, “Look at Jim McLean, hero here at the club, eventually he was past it and had to go, just the way it works.”

4. There have always been rumours of a Dundee merger, what would your thoughts on that be? Are other Dundonians sympathetic to the idea?

A.  Very quickly Fraser shared his opinion, “NEVER going to happen and do not want it to.” The conviction in his voice spoke to his apparent dislike for the blue side of Dundee. “It is a rivalry that goes back a long time, one of my old pals wouldn’t even come to Tannadice to watch Dundee in the derby… he hated the place that much!”

Thanks again to Fraser for talking to us goons, we felt that it was rather representative of a wider mood that we had already felt at the club; frustrated and yearning for more but finally moving up in the world, at last dominating the league that they should have made their proverbial bitch years ago.

But as Fraser said, nobody has the given right.

Exiting The Troll Inn and heading back towards the Eddie Thompson Stand, we had to make a quick pit-stop at the ticket office. Our ‘benefactor’ had supposedly already made all of the arrangements and we were merely to say his name. As you may have already guessed, the tickets were not there.

Checking in back at the club entrance, where we had already built up a rapport with the receptionist, we enquired if the tickets might be there instead. They were there for sure, in the form of two complimentary tickets issued by the lifesaving lady behind the desk. Massively appreciated by us pair of course, so thank you to Dundee United and the woman herself… I’m sure out ‘mysterious benefactor’ was busy pulling the strings somewhere else.

All that is left now is to delve into the match report itself… so I’m afraid Arabs you might want to brace yourself as it was not the prettiest viewing. Before that however, a new wee segment that we’re including – Tour of the Facts – so with that you better open up your bunghaws because some hot trivia sauce is coming through. Aaaaanndd fact numberrrrr:

One – Dundee United were originally formed by Dundee’s Irish community, following the demise of Dundee Harp, Dundee Hibernian was formed in 1909 which eventually became Dundee United in 1923.

Two – United fans will hear this all the time and surely never tire of it, they have a 100% competitive record against BARCELONA, winning 4 out of 4 ties with the Spanish giants, they remain the only British club to defeat the Catalan outfit home and away in any European format.

Three – More of a story, the reason behind the ‘Arab’ nickname. In the 1960s before the wonders of undersoil heating, United had tried to melt away a frosty pitch before kick-off and in the process burned half of the turf off. Truckloads of sand were then spread across the pitch for the ref to declare ‘game on sucka’. United went on to win 3-0 that day and a local newspaper claimed they had ‘taken to the sand like Arabs’. How much truth there is to that? We’re unsure but it’s a cool story so fuck it.

Taking to our seats, in the ‘not-so-chilly-as-we-had-expected’ Jerry Kerr Stand, we watched the 22 gladiators march out onto the pitch in front of 8000 strong and a healthy away support. We were ready and both sets of fans certainly were ready. The Tour was back baby.

THE MATCH

Below is our own match report, detailing the 90 minutes in full.

FIRST HALF

The golden boy Lawrence Shankland kicked us off on this overcast Saturday in Tayside, United keeping the ball, beginning to probe what was no doubt going to be a stoic and dangerous Arbroath team. Looking to open up gaps early on, Shankland played a lovely flick one – two with Butcher and showed his flair, his classiness from early on. Sadly this was a very rare occurrence throughout the rest of the game for the men in Tangerine.

The Arbroath fans let loose a ripple of ‘si senor’ from their away end corner, encouraged by a scrappy opening 10 minutes where neither team really got their foot on the ball. Arbroath were making it difficult for a United side that were trying to put the ball on the deck and pass, the Terrors struggled to find a rhythm despite looking more promising. A shout of ‘FUCKING GO THROUGH HIM!!’ personified the mood of the United fans around us as the Terror’s moves consistently broke down in the middle of the park. Peter Pawlett tried multiple times to use his renowned pace and agility to jink in behind but Arbroath were persistently one step ahead.

United full-back Liam Smith was, to his credit, putting a power of  work down the right hand side of the pitch, beating Arbroath players for pace and looking the most dynamic man on the park. Smith juked his way down the flank and earned a corner from the deflected cross, which inspired chants of ‘UNITED *clap, clap, clap* UNITED’ from the home fans behind the goal. Big striker Osman Sow went down from the resulting set-piece and was unfortunately stretchered off, adding to United’s growing injury list. Robbie Neilson had to bring on promisng youngster Declan Glass, recently recalled from Cove and shifted Pawlett into a central role.

This tactical change yielded the best chance of the half for United, Butcher was spreading the ball nicely in the centre of the park and some gaps were starting to open. Shankland threaded the needle, prising one of these gaps open for an onrushing Peter Pawlett, who’s shot across the keeper forced a great stop from Gaston of the Red Lichties.

United were trying to switch the ball along the backline a lot, playing out from defence and involving everyone in Tangerine on the park. Sadly, it was not long before the men in maroon were to get majorly involved. The Lichties had won a free-kick in their own half, some nice play down the left betwen Hilson and Hamilton, free’d up space for the left-back to whip a low ball into the United box. Who else but former Dark Blue, Craig Wighton, arrived at the near post to prod the ball under Siegrist and give the part-timers the lead at Tannadice. Delirium in the away end of course.

United came straight back with more urgency and effort but in reality were struggling to control the game at all. Too much thought and too little invention was the problem for the Arabs, superkid Declan Glass tried a quick shimmy and stepover in the middle of the park, with his 25 yard effort tipped over by the Arbroath keeper. It looked like United needed something of that ilk, an individual moment of brilliance.

Jamie Robson was next to audition for the role of hero, as a bouncing ball drifted over to the young man, his looping volley just about clearing the bar and keeping Arbroath noses in front. It was plain to see how hard the United players were having to work and in all honesty they were not reaping too many benefits as Arbroath stood strong against crosses into the box; mainly provided by the rapid, ever-present full-back Liam Smith.

The frustration was tangible in the air as United trudged down the tunnel behind at the interval. This was a team that had been completely and utterly dominant so far this campaign in the Championship but on this viewing so far they looked fresh out of ideas, Arbroath were sitting as comfortably as Dick Campbell in The Shelby Parlour.

Another addition to this latest Tour of the Terraces era is that of the ‘Superfan Quiz’ (if you can think of a better name please, PLEASE let us know) where we pick on an unwitting victim and see if he can answer 5 questions about his or her so called ‘beloved team’ there is a majestic PRIZE for anyone who answers all questions correctly of course. This week it was Gareth and his boy at our quizzical mercy and a Terry’s Chocolate Orange was the carrot on offer if he could indeed get full marks.

‘SUPERFAN’ QUIZ

Q1. What was the club’s original name?

Q2. Name the TWO players that scored in the 2010 Scottish Cup Final?

Q3. Which manager won the club’s first Scottish Cup?

Q4. What FIFA Award did the club win the first ever edition of? 

Q5. How many yards separate Tannadice and Dens Park? (to the nearest 10)

Answers are at the end of the Match Report for anyone who wishes to take on our Superfan Quiz, no chocolate orange we’re afraid. No chocolate orange for Gareth either, despite an impressive score of 4.5/5, he could not quite cut the superfan mustard. Sorry Gareth you will remain faceless and chocolate-less for the time being. Who will be our first superfan? Fuck knows, on with the match report.

SECOND HALF

The second half started in a chaotic fashion, with a good old fashioned scramble in the box beginning the second 45. Sporle had an initial shot saved, which rebounded back to Shankland who curled over from a difficult angle. The young man was struggling from a lack of service and a tight Arbroath defensive display.

Liam Smith on the opposite flank once again put in a power of running for the Terrors as he raced up the outside, checked inside and then released Pawlett back out wide again. The now ageing Pawlett took his time, took his time and eventually could only blast over as he was closed down.

Dundee United were still trying to play ‘proper football’, possession based and switching from side to side. Still, this created a feeling of a lack of urgency from the team as the supporters started to get fidgety, wanting more drive, more direction from their team. The man providing that directness from right-back came marauding down the wing once again, giving the only real spark of drive to this United performance. Smith slipped the ball wide, but the resulting cross was too far ahead of Shankland.

United were certainly controlling the flow of the game but were struggling still to decide what to do with the ball. Arbroath had slowly been forced deeper and deeper and by the 60th minute they were truly in park the bus mode. Despite this, it never looked like United were going to open up that maroon wall at the back. Their best chance once again started with the sparky number 2 Liam Smith, who’s drive at the backline caused visible panic for the first time in the Arbroath ranks, in a succession of corners. None of which bore fruit.

Just as it seemed that the game was getting to the realms of last minute equaliser, Shankland had the chance around the 80 minute mark. A deflected cross from the opposite side this time, courtesy of Sporle, the ball bobbled into the on-rushing strikers path. The gap opened up 1 on 1 from 8 yards out, Shankland took a touch and tried to deftly flick it past the already diving Gaston. The keeper flicked out an instinctive hand and managed to deny the young man. A gilt-edged opportunity. Gone begging.

As the game petered out there was a lot of head tennis and a lot of cleared crosses fired into the Arbroath 18 yards. Time and time again the ball was sent flying back up the compact ground until referee Alan Muir signalled for full-time; bringing Dundee United’s first home league defeat of the season and Arbroath’s first league win at Tannadice since 1958.

Tour of the Terraces MOTM: Liam Smith

A difficult task this time round issuing the TotT MOTM and unfortunately for the wrong reasons. A few players showed flashes of good play but you would imagine very few players were awarded pass marks by manager Robbie Neilson after the match. However, one player that did look United’s bright spark on the day was 23 year old full back – Liam Smith. He looked the most threatening by far for the home side, flying up and down the right flank, showing urgency and will to create opportunities. Therefore, sincere congratulations to Mr. Smith whose name will be scratched onto the trophy that all ballers want and dream of acquiring. Well done sir you have been awarded the Tour of the Terraces 11^th MOTM, a day you’ll never forget.

SUPERFAN ANSWERS

1. Dundee Hibernian 2. David Goodwillie, Craig Conway 3. Ivan Golac 4. FIFA Fair Play Award 5. 170 yards (160-180 acceptable)

MIKEY’S RAMBLE

Okay, so I will keep my ramble nice and concise this time around (if a ramble can be concise) and let you filthy animals get on to my humble Touring twin Aaron’s Column where he has already summed up a lot of the major points on our trip to Tayside.

Firstly, from the second you approach the ground you can tell Dundee United are a club far below where they desire to be. The facilities inside Tannadice, the size of the ground and the straggling fans as early as 13:00 tell you everything you need to know. The first note in my Match Report reads ‘cramped seating, lovely ground’ and I feel that sums it up pretty well.

Whilst the stand we were seated in was not nearly full to capacity, the claustrophobic nature of the seating gifted its feeling to the whole stadium, which if full to capacity would be an absolute hotbed. Even still at just over half-full, the stadium had the feeling of a big club, a feverish atmosphere that has been lacking at other clubs so far on the Tour. Regarding the cramped seats, yes I am planning on growing some testicles for my next Tannadice trip (next season when Derek McWinless and the boys come to town?) Shite patter aside, from a mere glance at Tannadice you would think you were looking at a top 6 outfit, rather than a team that has consistently underwhelmed in what is admittedly a very competitive league.

The day out itself was brilliant, pretty steaming by the time we got there and full of chat with the Dundee United supporters we encountered. The overriding feeling was ‘finally, fucking finally’ and that is not hard to imagine at all. Initially nobody expected them to really go down – then they did go down. Then they did not resurface again year after year and it has almost reached the point where Dundee United are thought of as… well, a Championship club.

Encouraged by the club’s recent form and the vicious pursuit they are putting up of wrapping up the Championship title, we were convinced that this would be a new look United side, resurgent and with the bit between their teeth.

The viewing we had over the course of 90 minutes did leave a lot to be desired I am sad to say. The intention was clearly there from Robbie Neilson’s men, who moved the ball with confidence and to be fair, rarely misplaced a ball in the build up – it was just their ball into that final third which let them down. Saying this, it is important to remember the nasty injury list that the Arabs have been dealt this season, even in the game we saw Osman Sow and Declan Glass were both taken off with gnarly looking injuries.

The main thing this indicates is a lack of quality in depth and investment will need to be made in my opinion if United want to have a successful campaign when they definitely go up at the end of the season. There I said it, now you are surely fucked lads! In all seriousness, the fans that watched the slightly decimated starting 11 probe for nothing against Arbroath should not read too much into it. After all the league table does not lie and Arbroath are not a team it is shameful to lose to. Oh and Peter Pawlett looked unfit, by that I mean fat as fuck.

In conclusion, everyone in the top flight would love to see a strong United side up there again. It is simply better for the league, looks aesthetically more pleasing than a quarter full McDiarmid Park and also I am just gagging on a New Firm Derby. Us sheepshaggers are bored without you! More importantly though, is how much having a strong Dundee United team elevates Scottish Football as a whole, a recognisable club all over Europe with a big history, deserves better and it’s fans deserve a lot better. Hope to see you capture the league in style and see you for a cheeky rumble on New Years Day 2021, when you pump us 3-0 at Pittodrie.

Arabs it has been a pleasure.

AARON’S COLUMN

Well well well, at last I get the chance to conduct my ‘column’ but this time round I am doing so with far less hair (still welcoming any hair transplant donations). After a year absent due to coronaLAZYBASTARDvirus we finally fuelled the Tour’s steam train to Tannadice. Host to one of Scotland’s bigger teams – Dundee United. A ground which I can personally, finally tick off my Scottish stadium checklist (17 left to go babyyyy). This being my debut in the land of tangerine I was curious to see how they would shape up against their neighbours, Dundee. (Who we had previously visited).

Dust blown off the notepad, shirt ironed and shoes polished meant that the march to Waverley was the next step for my sheepshagging companion and I. With Hibs beating the Tours 11^th club midweek, I ensured my deodorant was extra pungent. Just in case anyone could smell my spoonburning hibee blood ripping through. Oh just making sure nobody forgot I supported Hibs because I don’t mention that enough in these columns of mine…

1 solitary Budweiser down and 2 glasses of prosecco, I must admit I was feeling rather boozy hopping off the train. Swear its cause I hadn’t ate much NOT because I’m a lightweight loser or that. Given this was our second visit to the city we made the familiar ascending walk to where the footy clubs lived and by god I was a lot less fit this time round. Sweat pishing of my bald scalp and a waterfall orchestrating down my back we made it to the promised land. Looking at Tannadice from afar, its big stature is felt in comparison to many of the other clubs we have visited; you can tell straight away this is home to a club in Scotland of real size.

As we approached the stadium, orange surrounded us everywhere, alerting us properly that this is Dundee United football club’s patch of land. Into the office we stepped hoping to gain ourselves backstage passes. Mikey utilised his Ipsos Mori powers and managed to wriggle us into Tannadice after a solid 8/10 negotiation over the phone with ‘Riki’. Inside we crept and it truly was a gorgeous sight as far as stadiums in Scotland go. With sights taken in and photos captured. Albeit we were “challenged” by multiple stewards along the way which can be expected given our scaff –like presence, the next and best stop was drumroll……

THE PUB!!!

And the first Tour of the Terraces pub destination of the decade was ‘The Troll Inn’. The pub lived up to its name with trolls all over the shop, including those ladies and gents in orange. Jokes lads and lassies you lot looked a lot better than the Dundee massive…. dinni say nout. Jokes aside, it was a lovely wee establishment, perfect for a pre-match pint or 10. The only disappointing element was a chap at the bar alerted us of the fact the pints went up a whole 20p to £2.70 the day previous, must have seen our announcement tweet. A full coffee at work stolen straight from my paws. Two in fact since I paid for Mikeys anaw the scaff.

Pint consumed and patter had, it was time to see what runaway leaders Dundee United had to say for themselves. Given the lack of funds the Tour operates with, free tickets are always on the mind. This time round we managed to gobble a pair up through our questionable charm from the lady at the main office. Thanking you squire. The battle began as the gates were opened. We made our way inside the seas of orange, pre-aiming around every corner looking to gun down our latest victim for a fan interview. Job done. Seats were taken and I must say there could be a little more leg room for your standard viewer to have (always got to be sout to moan about). The whistle blew and the game began with Mr. Shankland kicking us off. I was optimistic of seeing a convincing win for the home side, just to showcase what the top flight will be seeing next season.

HOWEVER, I saw anything but on this Saturday afternoon. There can be a very VERY strong claim for a curse of the Tour as this was United’s first home defeat of the season …. #sorrynotsorry lads. A 1-0 win for Dick Campbell’s Barmy Army in a game which very little was created from either side to be very humble. Of course coming to Tannadice the first man you think of is Mr. Shankland and by god he was a let down on this very occasion I’m sad to say. The chance he missed at the end was bewildering, I’d be devastated if any fucker on my 6s team missed anything of the sort, never mind a man with a £3million price tag. Players that did look relatively bright were Liam Smith, the full back and Butcher in the middle. A player I also really liked the look of before he went off injured after coming on was young Declan Glass. Watched him when he was dead young for Tranent and fair play to the big cheese he has blossomed into a right good player, well in lad.

Overall, it could just quite simply be a day to forget for the home side as they still gallop away as red hot favourites for automatic promotion bar HIBSing it (sure that’s a thing…). Sir David Gray, thank you once more. A very below par performance but I mean it is expected over the season to have such games so there’s no doubt they will go up. Hard prediction to make I know. In regards to next season, I think life the top flight will be difficult for the men in orange, you would expect Mr. Shankland to be offksi and the squad I saw on this particular day didn’t set my expectations alight for anything near a top 6 push. You never know though, if they could recruit well in summer they could cause a bit of damage as the top 6 is make-able for any competitive club at present. Being totally honest it will most likely be a few years before we see the like. So enjoy winning the treble next year lads cause any observation I make the complete opposite happens.

I would like to conclude my column by thanking those who spoke with us on the day for making the Tour such an enjoyable one and kicking the decade off in style. I would like to wish you all the best for life in top flight and no doubt you’ll see my strawberry blonde balding scalp bobbing about the way away end as you spank us 3-0. Good luck when the time comes and enjoy easy street for the moment as it’s all going to end soon unfortunately. Would be brilliant to see a Dundee United side being back to their usual selves for the neutral, a big dog in the big league. Cheers ladies and gents, it’s been a pleasure Arabs.

THE RATINGS

 

FINALLY…

Arabs, there we have it. A rating of 65, which sees a convincing 2:1 degree, awarded to the club by us scholars here at Tour of the Terraces. A score which we believe reflects the club in its current form adequately. Albeit on a different occasion where the Tangerine’s strutted their usual decimating stuff, a higher score could be argued but we have to base of what we saw. A team soaring relatively high at the top of the Championship, just a 17 point gap lol, the Premiership looks forward to the clubs arrival after several years away. Thus meaning it is just a simple case of when now for Dundee United, straying away from any major bottle jobs – something both of us here on the Tour are WELL prone to. So, if your favourite colour is orange and you do not want to join the union bears then hit up the lovely Tannadice, could be the perfect location for you

Best of luck to Dundee united in their quest to be a top 6 club in the Premiership. We here at Tour of the Terraces see that being a long process for the club but are optimistic they can reclaim their top 6 status at some point in the future. Mon the Arabs and thank you a holy amount for welcoming us to your magnificent football club, all the best!

Peterhead F.C. – The Match Programme #10

Power Plant.

Prison.

Fucking freezing.

Fucking perfect.

Perfect; for your humble Terrace Touring duo who plunge our way to the murky harbour depths, to once again cover every hardy Scotsman’s favourite League. A league with REAL football fans (nutters), LOTS of pints (T) and SERIOUS shithousery (our favourite) – welcome back to League 2. More specifically, welcome to the staunchest fishing town in the western world. Peterhead.

The Bloo-Toon was the destination for the Tour’s 10th stop and what a choice it shaped up to be, set in the ‘slightly-breezy’ North-East of Rory McAllister country where it is as rich in history, as it is in hairy-arsed seaman. Salivating at the thought, we simply had to visit Peterhead for our big PHAT 10. As it happened, destiny would play us the old ‘get off your lazy arses and travel somewhere 5 minutes outside of Edinburgh’ card, lining up an absolute CORKER of a tie.

Peterhead v Edinburgh City.

The top two.

The heavyweights of this season’s Scottish League 2 going toe to toe in what could prove to be a massive fixture when the title race is decided later in the season. Who would come out on top? Peterhead, the masters of physical, in your face MAN’S FOOTBALL. Edinburgh City, the new blood, the new kids on the block when it comes to bullying your snotty-nosed opponents around the park.

It would have been simply rude for us to not attend Balmoor Stadium past Saturday, staying true to our low league roots and making the longest trip yet of our Touring excursions, past Aberdeen, North towards the biggest town in Aberdeenshire.

Peterhead is known mainly for its booming fishing industry and rightly so, with the town’s landing a value of around £179 MILLION worth of fish and shellfish in 2017. Absolutely crazy numbers for a town with a population of 18,000. Other notable landmarks include the Power Plant as well as infamous Prison – sounds grim you say. Do not be so cynical we say, truly a town driven by industry with heart and humble community – don’t find that in Chelsea. STICK THE BLUE FLAG UP YOUR ARSE!

Peterhead F.C have come to light more recently in overall Scottish Football terms, being voted into League 2 (then Third Divison) along with Elgin City, right at the turn of 2000. Since then, the club have established themselves as a strong contender in Scotland’s lower tiers, narrowly missing out on promotion to the Championship on a number of occasions. Yet nowadays, they find themselves back in the bottom tier – ambitious to break out soon and always competing strongly, the club is on a League 2 title charge and looking to get their gills around a second piece of silverware.

The club’s first piece of silverware as a football league club came in the form of the League 2 Division Title, winning 2-0 against Clyde. The following season, the club had the chance to add once more to their shiny new trophy cabinet, taking on Rangers in the Challenge Cup Final at Hampden Park and making history in the process fielding Britain’s oldest ever mascot. Would probably still run rings around the pair of us though, get your boots on san.

So, remaining true to our holy cause we found ourselves stretching and yawning at 7AM. WOW!!!7AM (I can’t remember the last time I saw 7AM). Scrubbing our nails and preening oor whiskers for the near 6 hour journey up the East Coast, taking the train from Edinburgh to Stonehaven, hugging the Scottish coastal touchline all the way.

At Stonehaven we were met by blonde bombshell, titanic friend (in every sense) and Tour chauffeur for the day – Tom Burt. Working on a strict wage bill of pints and fags, the big man was more than willing to transport us – as long as a couple of juicy’s awaited at the end of the rainbow. ROAD TRIP BABAAYYYY!

Winding through the Aberdeenshire back roads, the Tour could finally dock at it’s fishiest location yet. Perched right on the Easternmost point of mainland Scotland, overlooking the North Sea, we were quickly shown by Ol’ Ma’ Nature that this would definitely be a jackets on occasion, with a wind sharper than Leanne Dempster’s right nip blowing in.

Parked at Morrison’, scampering our shivering arses up the hill towards Balmoor Stadium, the Blue Bombanera. Two opposing seated stands running the length of the pitch with plenty of room for standing around the edge, back again at a proper crucible of Scottish Football, you can keep your Anfield and shove your Old Trafford.

This was the furthest North that Aaron had ever been and it showed, “it’s so coooold” he whimpered as the tears froze solid on his vagina. Thankfully, we were inside the stadium reception before long, touching base with the club receptionist and allowing ourselves to be ticked off the list (always a thrill to even be on ‘the list’) and told to wait for Martin Johnston – General Manager and the man we had previously been in contact with at the club. ‘In the meantime you boys can wait in the stadium bar, spend as much as you like!’ Dangerous words Mr. Receptionist, very dangerous.

Putting arse to bar stool in the Balmoor boozer, we were there in plenty of time, with all of the atmosphere to soak up and absorb the Blue-Toon culture. We had requested in our emails to speak with the one true Rory, Rory McAllister. A player we have strawed since the dawn of Tour of the Terraces time, pretty much renowned across all Scottish leagues, having been on the books of Aberdeen, Dundee United, Saint Mirren, Saint Johnstone and Sheffield United to name a few. An absolute talisman for the Blue-Toon. If only we could have grasped that chiseled, goal-happy face of yours and put it under our interviewing microscope.

This time however, it was not meant to be and we could not get our grubby paws on Mr McAllister – in fairness getting the club captain on game-day a few hours before KO is always going to be a challenge. We WILL get you next time Rory. We will fucking get you!

After a few jars in the Peterhead pub, we were met by Martin Johnston, the big cheese himself, to show us around Balmoor and what the Blue-Toon had to offer. Taking us upstairs we were shown around the corporate area, where Mr Johnston asserted that Peterhead FC feed between 160-200 people every single Saturday, in fact for this table topping clash, they had to turn away bookings as they were already full. The place was truly bustling.

We were then introduced to Nat Porter, a man who made his debut for Peterhead at the whipper-snapping age of 14! Not legal anymore I’m afraid Blue-Toon boys. Serving the club as a player for 26 years, shelving his boots at 40 years old and allowing full-backs all over Scotland to breathe the greatest sigh of relief. Nowadays, Nat is involved as a Director at Peterhead, continuing to devote his time to the club in his more senior years – you dinnae look a day past 41 Natty boy!

The former winger continued in Martin’s stead – showing us around the Balmoor facilities, changing rooms, media room, on to the pitch through the tunnel, boardroom and even a stop off in the physio/first-aid room. Every single person we passed Nat introduced us to; we spoke briefly with Jim McInally (Manager) Rodger Morrison (Chairman) and every single one was extremely personable, humorous and commanded an aura of respect. Every person that we passed Nat referred to us on first name terms and introduced the pair of us before we could say ‘community atmosphere’. Community atmosphere was exactly what it was and it was felt in abundance.

Finishing our Tour of Balmoor, we had literally been inside every nook that the round had to offer and although there was no ‘Club Interview’ per se, we certainly had filled out boots with chat from various Club Officials and we really could not ask for anymore. Thanks to Martin and Nat who both completely embraced the concept of the ‘Tour’ and made us feel completely at ease, almost important. Something that two stinking losers are not used to of course.

Now it had come to the part of our voyage where we would brace the harsh cold outside to seek a fan worthy of representing all Peterhead fans on our blog. Always difficult to find someone who will give us intriguing answers when picking from a crowd of strangers. However, we knew we had struck gold as soon as we located Robert and Grandson Ryan – what is more wholesome than Grandfather and young loon attending their local teams fixture together? Absolutely fucking nothing we’ll tell you that. We spoke to the Bloomagganners whilst awaiting kick-off. Here is what they had to say;

Q1. What were the objectives at the start of the season in your eyes?

A. “Definitely to win the league,” Robert said confidently. He continued by adding, “it’s going well so far, we win this then we go a point behind with 2 games in hand. “Informing us of Peterhead’s current healthy position they find themselves in.

Q2. What’s the long term goal here at Peterhead, where do you see the club in 5-10 years down the line for example?

A. “Championship definitely!” Again with confidence Robert stated his future visions for the club. He then went on to say, “I really don’t see why not, at the end of the day we’ve got a good set of players here.”

Q3. We’ve heard a lot about Rory McAllister of course, should we believe the hype?

A. Robert began by saying, “aye he’s been undoubtedly amazing for the club,” but then added, “He’s getting on a bit now though.” “Letting Russel Mclean go to Montrose was a big mistake by the club, he is a great player and the sort we need to keep at our team to help us be in the positions the likes of Montrose are in.”

Q4. Peterhead being one of the several teams to come on the scenes in the last 20 years or so, what sets the Blue Toon apart from the rest?

A. “Peterhead as a club are far more ambitious.” Robert stated. For example teams like Elgin are happy just to even be in the professional leagues.” Robert then concluded, “look at the likes of Ross County and Inverness Caley, they’ve managed to rise through the leagues, lifting major silverware along the way establishing themselves as household names in Scotland, why can’t we?” A very good question indeed.

Q5.And finally, what’s today’s score going to be?

A. “2-1 Peterhead,” Robert predicted, with Ryan the young lad he had with him also sharing the same thoughts, predicting 2-1 to the home side also.

After listening to the ambitions of the Peterhead fans, the quotes we had from them reflected the atmosphere of ambition in the air. The Blue-Toon were in the lowest tier yes, but they did not intend to stay there for long – the scope of inside the club and outside striving for much bigger things. Why not aim emulate other Highland League clubs who have risen through the mire of Scottish Football to establish themselves at the top of the game? First off they were looking to capture that League 2 title for a second time in their history. Beating title rivals Edinburgh City at Balmoor would be one assertive step towards that goal.

THE MATCH

FIRST HALF

Skipper Rory McAllister, the enigmatic striker who you hear so much about, lead the Peterhead starting XI from the tunnel, followed by new signing who we had heard a lot about pre-match Shane Sutherland. The small band of travelling Edinburgh City fans were giving it their all, drumming and chanting as the teams walked on to the turf. The sizeable Peterhead home crowd on their feet ‘PETER-HEAD, (Peterhead), PETER-HEAD, (Peterhead)’. A table-topping clash was truly away to begin and it was Mike Roncone who got the first 45 underway.

Both teams struggled to grasp the early dominance or move in possession early on, Peterhead’s Jack Leith spurned a shot just wide after a driving run from Rory McAllister. Edinburgh City won a corner up the other end, Blair Henderson headed just over.

Some determined running from Peterhead’s 18 Ryan Dow on the wing allowed for him to free some space up. His clean ball back across the box found midfielder Scott Brown in space on the edge of the box but his shot would only sail over the bar, out of the ground and chalk up ball loss number 1 for the afternoon.

Both teams were contesting every ball for all it was worth. The match was shaping up to be a very even affair with neither of these physical juggernauts refusing to budge. The best chance of the first-half falling to Edinburgh City’s Jack Breen, who was slipped through on goal but lacked the composure to beat the onrushing Greg Fleming. The man with the gloves made himself big in the sticks and might have done enough to out Breen off. Really though, it was a huge let off for our Peterhead lads.

Quick to respond to the fright of nearly going 1-0 behind, Peterhead were back in the opponents third again, more good work from Dow allowed him to win the ball in space and begin driving down the flank. Dow picked out Willie Gibson who laid on SutherLAAAAAND….

Who hooked his shot over the bar.

Gutting for the big fella would have loved to see a goal on his debut for the Blue-Toon but on this occasion it would be ball number 2 sailing in to the lost property.

Peterhead continued to push for a goal before the break and were most certainly getting the better chances as the half wore on. Rory McAllister took a cute touch with his heel from a long diagonal ball, before charging in to the gap ahead of him. Edinburgh City’s defence were scrambling back to cover, doing just enough in the process, McAllister’s shot flashing high and wide of the post.

Yes the half was drawing to a 0-0 close but it was a game hanging on a knife edge, both teams desperate not to concede, both teams desperate for a huge win.

What would the second half bring?

SECOND HALF

Edinburgh City were the ones to begin with the pressure this time. Coming out and moving the ball from side to side, waiting for a gap to open up in the Peterhead wall before them.

Peterhead fans have to thank silver-fox Jamie Stevenson for keeping the scoreline at 0-0, denying Edinburgh City twice within 10 minutes. Firstly, Craig Thomson’s floated ball in to the box was evading everyone, only to look as if it was destined to dip inside the back post. Stevenson aware to the danger flicked the ball out from the goalmouth – preventing what would have been a complete fluke and a disastrous start to the second half.

Only 5 minutes later, Blair Henderson looked to be powering through on the Peterhead goal, only for Stevenson to prevent any kind of sniff for Edinburgh City’s big man, with an excellent last ditch tackle.

The Peterhead attack was allowed to crank back in to motion again, thanks to Stevenson’s heroics, attempting to break the deadlock which had been so keenly fought out up till this point. Ryan Dow’s tenacity shone through once again, with a high press forcing a mistake and winning the ball. The winger cut inside from the byline, running at pace in to the box and squaring for.. SutherLAAAAAAAAND…

Lost ball number 4, or was it 5 now?

The chances had certainly come for both teams, Peterhead fighting to keep in the game at one end and fighting desperately to do anything but score at the other end.

New signing Sutherland was soon after replaced by Willis, he certainly got in a lot of good positions but could not force any of them on target – he really could have been the man to make the difference but it was not to be.

The match began to take that usual stalemate shape that a football fan can see as it drew towards the closing stages. Both teams endeavouring to score from set pieces, several balls bombed long in the hope of a flick on or a trailing boot but it was not coming.

Fizzling out to a heavily gutting 0-0 result from a personal point of view but certainly a result that both clubs will take given the circumstances around the game. So the battle for League 2 rages on, closely contested and all to play for.

Tour of the Terraces MOTM: Ryan Dow – Always a difficult choice for any spectator to select a man of the match when match is a scoreless draw. There were sparks of excitement from both sides at times but the man who we saw being the most dangerous and lively on the ball must be Mr Ryan Dow. The number 18 utilised his quick feet to create chances for his side but other players failed to make the most of them. He showed flashes of brilliance at times to try and force an opening. In such a massive tie in very windy conditions it was always going to be hard for anyone to step up and be that difference. So therefore, on the day we’ve selected the ex Staggie’s and Terror’s man to take the prestigious title on this special 10^th episode of the Tour, I can smell the excitement from here Mr. Dow, enjoy sanjay!

MIKEY’S RAMBLE

So, once again it comes and goes by in a flash. Our furthest trip yet, up North past my beloved granite hometown of Aberdeen and foraging deep in to Teuchter territory to don the mighty blue, light blue and white of Peterhead FC. We felt that our 10th trip was of course not only a personal milestone that shows we are getting balls deep in our Tour of the Terraces, but an opportunity to show some commitment to the cause by travelling to a team based further afield. On top of this, I could finally show my central-belt compatriot what a real part of Scotland finally looks like.

We were eternally grateful to have been given a lift from Stonehaven Train Station to Peterhead by our very own Dashing Blonde Sergeant, Mr Tom Burt my Primary School bestie turned Tour of the Terraces car-wench for the day. Once again thanks Burt, we hope you enjoyed the whirlwind that was Edinburgh City v Peterhead.

What about Peterhead then? Although never having been a spectator at Balmoor I had played many times against the Blue-Toon youth teams on the nearby grass pitches. This was a different kettle of fish however, (no pun intended) the bollock-shrivilleng cold was still the same as I had remembered but this time I was in Peterhead as a fan, not as a tricky 14 year old looking to cause havoc down the channels.

The greeting that we both received was enough to warm us from any sort of outside temperature, with everyone at the club making sure they were introduced. As soon as Martin Johnston came to meet us, we were constantly talking to different club officials, Jim McInally made himself known to us, as did Rodger Morrison the Chairman – both of whom initially joked that we were here to cover the ‘shit’ leagues of Scottish Football. Of course they were only having patter, but this is a joke we often hear, as if we are covering these clubs to take the piss? Yes of course, the lower leagues may not be of the most primo quality that Europe has ever seen but that does not stop loyal Peterhead fans turning up and putting their hearts in to their club in the same way that a Liverpool, Rangers or Bayern Munich fan does. Really we want to show this to everyone in Scotland who does not realise quite what goes on in these often muddy parts of Scottish Football but they should because it is our game and what a fucking beautiful game it is.

Everyone at Peterhead fully bought in to our mantra, making it feel like they were putting in effort to show us as much as we could. Nat Porter lead us through the Balmoor halls and what a complete gent he was, taking us round it all – the boardroom, the physio room, even the home changing room, which we got an awkward peek in to, just in time to see Willie Gibson helicoptering his humungous bobby around the changing room.

The main ‘vibe’ that I felt from the Peterhead fans was one of slight frustration, wishing for more and hoping to be somewhere a lot better someday. There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring to be competing at Championship level in 5 years, whilst it seems unlikely, it is that kind of ambition that clubs require if they are going to push through the leagues in any case. Why can they not do what other teams from the North have done in the last 20 years? Ross County and Inverness the golden examples – for most of Scottish Football history the spread of competing clubs has hugely favoured the central/lowland teams. HIGHLANDERS, WE GOTTA TAKE THE POWER BACK!

The converse of that is the obvious added pain that comes with an expectation that some consider unrealistic and some consider bold. A lot of the Peterhead fans seemed like they were not fully satisfied, that the team should not even be anywhere near the bottom tier and should already be on their glorious charge through the divisions. The sad reality however, is 20 years nearly in the league now and still no seasons in the Championship. This is a club with an infrastructure in place, a management structure in place and a hungry fan-base that want to taste the higher echelons of our game. In my opinion the problem was a slight lack of quality in the team, yes they have all the physicality, they have some technical skill and a fuckload of hard-workers. A couple more players in the right positions, possibly a new centre midfielder and someone to work up top alongside Rory McAllister? Shane Sutherland may be the answer to the latter of those signings but from what I saw he just looked a bit off the pace – he had numerous, numerous chances to put his team ahead but could not find the back of the net, or even close to the back of the net.

It really is so difficult to call how the rest of this season will pan out for Peterhead, with League 2 finely poised to go right down to the wire this season and I have a prediction that some Peterhead fans might not be completely thrilled with.

I think that they no doubt have it all their own hands to win the title this season but they will have to beat out what is a young, strong, momentum heavy Edinburgh City side who are on their own conquest to rise through the leagues. No doubt both clubs will drop points, but the Blue-Toon absolutely have got to capitalise when Edinburgh City slip up – otherwise the League 2 title may well go to the capital city this season. That said, it would be absolutely criminal if Peterhead did not make it out of League 2 this season as they are fully deserving of it, they will just need to add that extra bit of ball-playing quality WHEN they go up this year. Got to share that same optimism that the Peterheid boys do.

It was a true pleasure to Tour your Toon Peterhead fans, I really hope to see you and your supremely ambitious club in a league that reflects the ambition emanating from Balmoor Stadium.

Maybe I won’t be so kind when you dick us Dons 4-0 at Pittodrie opening day of the 2023/24 season eh?

AARON’S COLUMN

Having served a 6-month prison sentence in Peterhead Prison for battering 23 lads in one night out this would be my second time in Scotland’s most easterly located town….

That being a joke of course if you couldn’t tell already as I couldn’t fight sleep never mind 23 loons, this would be by far the furthest north I’ve flapped my Crow Wings and therefore my debut in Peterhead. I was beyond curious to see how those beyond the wall lived their lives. Heading into unknown waters for myself, this Blue Toon away day was the Tours TENTH stop remarkably, a number I didn’t think we would ever genuinely get too.

WE’RE ON OUR WAY WE’RE ON OUR WAY

This a classic example of why the Tour is so special for me as there’s no chance on earth I’d be dragging my scrawny arse up to this part of the world for any reason ever. The only reason I can potentially think of would be when it’s the opening day of the 2022/23 season and its Balmoor hosting Hibernian in the Championship….

Joke aside (I hope) I didn’t know much about the town or its footy team bar of course the 3 obvious: The Prison, Fishing and Rory Fucking McAllister. It was a no brainer really to select this tie, albeit far from our tinpot flat in Leith, it was 1^st v 2^nd, the men in the north v the men from the capital, a real tasty tie for Mikey and I to get wired into.

It was time to see what these League 2 big guns had to offer. Getting up at the crack of dawn aka 7.15AM aka quite a normal time for anyone bar us bloody wankpot students, we made our uber debut on the Tour as we didn’t have it in us to make that mighty camel trek up Leith Walk. Eagerly anticipating the day ahead Mikey pre-warned me of a potential language barrier when I got into the North and by god for once the sheepshagger wasn’t talking clean out his bunghaw, natta scooby what was being said to me at times when I was dotting about the Peterhead wildlife.

We rolled into town with many thanks to Mr Thomas Burt, The Tours 1^st ever guest, who kindly drove us from Stonehaven Train Station to make this Tour possible, so shout out to the big cheese from Newtonhill. Now it was time to get into the zone, game face on, note pads out, pencils sharpened and prayers carried out we galloped to Balmoor. Due to my lack of experience in the north my fragile self wasn’t quite used to these low temperatures and sharp winds, it was quite an upgrade on Leith OR I needed to yet once again grow a set and get on with it… however, we did make it to the home of The Blue Toon and it looked in very good shape given the fact they’ve only been a club in the professional leagues for around 20 years now.

We arrived in Balmoor to a very warm welcome from the front desk, who informed us to have a seat in the lounge area as we waited for club representatives to talk to us. No better way to spend our time at this point than to grab as many Tints of Pennents we could, cheap at that also. Balmoor already charming me with their prices (easiest way to my heart) plus the layout was brilliant, exactly what you want to see, retro Peterhead tops covering the walls with the trophy cabinet on show for all too see, brilliant. We were then greeted by Martin who took us upstairs, a top character, very warm fella. We were shown around by him and Nat Porter a proper footballer, club legend probably doesn’t even do the man justice. We were lucky enough to meet the manager, chairman and many more heroes’ that Peterhead have. Couldn’t fault a single one of them, arguably the most enjoyable Tour for myself in terms of how we were treated. Also shout out to one of our followers we met up there, had me on absolute strings, you know who you are p.s. it was Mikey who manged to pull Dick Campbell…..

After our very insightful tour of Balmoor it was game time, we took our seats at the front, ready to watch a proper footballing contest. The top 2 battling it out in search for that ever so precious title, what more could a man or woman want at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon? Liverpool v Man United you say? Nah fuck that, this is real footy. Peterhead fielding many noticeable players, along with their opponents – the SECOND best side in Edinburgh, behind Hibernian of course, but I didn’t need to tell you that – it was set up for a cracker. Albeit the match finished a scoreless draw and to the average bloke that seems like a waste of a journey but not even remotely. A fiery contest, which saw 2 teams battling away for 90 minutes, it didn’t disappoint. Both sides had good enough chances to stick one in the net just on the day it wasn’t to be. Absolute top marks to those making the same journey we did from the capital in them from the away side, even bringing a drum, have to love that. One thing I may propose when you lot do enter the top flight, getting seats which warm your arse up, just a cheeky thought…

Overall on the day it was pretty even-stevens, hard to call out one for being better than the other, the windy conditions definitely having a say in what the players could fully do. If I had a gun to my head and had to choose, Peterhead probably edged on the day but nonetheless the draw was a very fair representation of how the game went. Hopefully that never happens though eh or I’ve done something far wrong to find myself in that haunting scenario.

Peterhead have some quality players in their ranks with Dow, Leitch, Stevenson and of course McAllister. However, this being my second viewing of the Scottish footy god, I’m still yet to be fully satisfied, would love to rewind time and be there when he banged in that 90^th minute penalty against that horrible lot from Gorgie, but as Robert stated to us he is getting on a bit so can’t be over critical of the big fella. All in all they have a team 1 million percent good enough to go up this year. It’s just whether they can hold on this time and pip the likes of City and even Clyde to ensuring that title, as the play offs is no guarantee for any side. That’s coming from first-hand experience on numerous occasions following the Cabbage.

I think this year we could well see The Blue Toon lift the trophy, they’re in a brilliant positon to do so. However, I am struggling to look past Edinburgh City at the same time, an absolute tossup between that pair in my eyes. Who knows both of them might even see themselves in League 1 next year, would be naughty to see, may as well just say instead of that dribble, ‘I’m on the fence’. In terms of the future, Peterhead really needs to look at the bigger picture as they definitely have pieces in place to do a Ross County or Inverness, which would be sick to see another one of these Highland big boys challenging right at the top of Scottish footy.

I’d like to conclude my piece by thanking every single of the club representatives and fans we spoke to, it was an absolute pleasure and made the experience that much better. I want to wish you all the best in your title challenge this year – it’s in your hands lads, just go take it. I also fully expect to see Peterhead have a wee stint in the Championship not so far down the line either.

I hope and pray they become another big dog, as a side surging through the leagues is always rare and beautiful to watch unfold. Adios, been a pleasure Blue Toon.

THE RATINGS

Blue Toon, there we have it. A solid rating of 59 from us here at Tour of the Terraces which we see as solid reflection of the current club. Peterhead are sitting in a pretty spot at present with the title in their hands. Four points behind with 2 games in hand, there’s far worse positions to be in, can tell you that for free from a Hibs and Dons fan. It will be a tough battle from now until the end of the season, but they have a solid enough squad in place to lift the trophy come May easily. If you ever fancy seeing a top team in the lower leagues strut their stuff or you just want to see the hero that is Rory McAllister in action, then Balmoor is for you!

Best of luck to the Blue Toon in their quest to rise up the divisions. We here at the Tour believe you lot will be in the mix. Mon the Peterhead, many thanks once again for hosting us and welcoming us with open arms to your club, been a ball!