Dundee United F.C. – The Match Programme #11

‘All the world’s a bearpit, and all the men and women Scottish Football fanatics,’ once asserted the great Bard, Mr Willy Shakedog himself. Potentially this was when he visited Tannadice for the first time? After all, how could a football club with such enormous presence and quite the kaleidoscopic history not inspire even the biggest rugby wanker? Even the most braindead sheepshagging bastard?? (Mikey). Or spoonburning hairless gimps??? (Aaron).

Inspiration was certainly the theme of the day in Dundee. A city that inspired us to restart our journey, a club who’s recent form is simply inspiring; after a rise and fall nobody could fully predict and eventually, an inspired return to the top flight waiting in the wings? Surely this is their year.

Admittedly the Arabs, the Terrors, the Tangerines are the biggest club we have taken on thus far – (Aside: That means you’re bigger than Dundee lads, sooo.. how about some early door brownie points for strawing the mighty, mighty Tangerine dream??)

Shaking our ring rust off like a post-pish-penis-shake, we deliberated on what and where to Tour; how were we going to Tour it after such a long hiatus? Simple. We left our fate in the hands of our trusty followers. Our crazed. impassioned fanatics, those whom had remained loyal to the Tour of the Terraces crown – were given a vote to decide where our train should halt for the first time in 11 months and 16 days. ‘To Dundee or not Dundee?’ we asked.

Overwhelmingly, the masses begged and screamed for the scaffiest losers in Sports Entertainment to take in the match day experience of a sleeping Scots giant. Dundee United Football Club. It is tricky to even know where to begin concerning the Terrors of the North-East, especially when considering the tumultuous past decade that the club and it’s frustrated supporters have experienced.

Let us just momentarily transport our minds back to former glories, the 15th May 2010. United have just trounced Division One side Ross County by 3 goals to 0 to pick up their second Scottish Cup, a Europa League place has been secured and would remain secure for 3 seasons.

Add to that another 2 cup final appearances (Scottish Cup and League Cup) as well as a fountain of young talented Scottish footballers the club seemed to indefatigably churn out – Andy Robertson sourced from Queens Park, Conway from Ayr United, Mackay-Steven, Stuart Armstrong, David Goodwillie and Jonny Russell, all through the youth system. Even historically the names are recognisably striking; Hegarty, Malpas, Gough, Derek Stark, David Narey, Derek Ferguson. All United alumni.

You would be asking yourself how a club which had procured or produced so much talent in such a short period did not add more silverware to their trophy cabinet; let alone find themselves sentenced to 4 years (and counting) in the Scottish Championship. Yet the unthinkable happened; through a mixture of complacent negligence, financial mismanagement and a squad dreadfully below the standards of the clubs supporters, United managed only 3 wins at Tannadice in the league all through the 2015/16 SPFL season. Subsequently, the Arabs were ejected from the top-flight with the condemning result coming at the hands of their hated Navy neighbours.

Dundee United have – much to the ire of their irrefutably loyal fan-base – yet to taste the once familiar surroundings of the Scottish Premiership since then. It is hard not to sympathise with United fans, a lot of whom will view their club as one of the bigger boys in Scottish Football. And rightly so. In our own Scottish Football upbringing it was difficult to fathom a Top 6 without a Dundee United side. A side that could potentially slip into the bottom six during a poor harvest but relegation required a hellish drought. A hellish drought is exactly what happened.

It is clear from the second you speak to Dundee United fans that there is an aura of success and a desire to succeed that permeates the club, a feeling, which we find often comes from historical greatness of seemingly unsurpassable achievements. The slighty older Dundee United fans will have been lucky enough to experience these achievements. A stature created by Jim McLean, a gargantuan figure surrounding Tannadice. A figure that brought home a League Championship in 1983, captured League Cups in ’79 & 80′ and had a chomp at European success in ’84 and ’86.

Unfortunately for the annals of time, it was not to be. European Cup semi-finalists and UEFA Cup finalists – Roma and Gothenburg – both took their turns to deny the humble Tayside outfit from that ultimate, crowning Continental success. Nevertheless, the point remains that tangible success and games of a monumental stature are simply woven into the fabric of Dundee United Football Club. We were simply ecstatic to be back on the road again, ready to dip our metaphorical oil stick into the now resurgent and fully operational Tangerine engine.

So about 357 or so days late, our own rusty engine finally creaked back into action as we got off our lazy arses and boarded the train headed up the East Coast, toward the City of Discovery for the second time on our journey. We had actually previously intended to visit Tannadice around a year and a half ago but that visit had been cancelled as the club had emailed us at the time to ask if we could rearrange for another weekend.

Little did they (or we) know the ‘rearranged’ weekend would be around 15 months later and on a day’s notice. Once again, when we presented our case to United this time around they asked if it could be rearranged, as it was too short notice at such a busy time. Sadly, we could not spare them our shite patter and ugly mugs this any longer – our train tickets had been booked and the twitter poll die-cast – this time there was no cowards way out.

Slightly unsure of what actually awaited us on Tannadice Street, our match tickets uncollected, no interview or stadium tour arranged. It was time to get blootered. We clenched our buttocks and slammed down a bottle of Mikey’s girlfriend’s celebratory Prossecco (ooo fizzy fun with the girlies tehe xx) we were invigorated with a much needed clarity of mind and a straighter thinking process in preparation for the Tour. We felt we were back already, getting pished and talking shite at a random fitba game, can’t beat it.

Walking up through the centre of town up the steep streets of Dundee towards the nucleus where the photon and neutron of Dens and Tannadice sit clustered adjacent to one another in a truly unique, truly local, rivalry. The oft quoted fact that Dundee and Dundee United share the closest grounds of the UK is paraded out whenever the sides meet. However,  it is truly startling when you see the distance with your own eyes. A mere crane of the head and you bear witness to your clubs most hated city rivals, weird and brilliant.

Putting on our mad dog faces and walking into the club reception we were greeted by the receptionist, who we have to say was one of the friendliest and most personable we have met so far on our Tours. She got Riki on the phone for us immediately and requested access for us to enter the ground and take a few pics of Tannadice pre-KO. Riki spoke to Mikey briefly on the phone and admitted there would be no time for an interview; they had allowed for us to go ahead with our coverage of the club and permission was granted to slip inside the Mothership, taking action shots of old Lady Tannadice before the Tangerine Army could descend.

When you stand in a football stadium before a ball is kicked, before there is a single sad case sitting solo in the family stand 2 hours before kick-off, you get an overwhelming idea of how that particular stadium must feel to a player. Tannadice is a matchbox. Hemmed in close, stands towering overhead, completely encircled barring one corner, the iconic stadium is that for a reason and it’s once famous red-hot atmosphere is easiest to imagine when standing on the field, the palpable hue of anticipation in the air.

New boys to the league and by no means struggling, part-timers Arbroath were the opposition – almost a minor derby from an Arab point of view, a major derby from a Lichtie perspective, a chance to get one over on the city boys. It was safe to say that Tannadice Stadium impressed us from the moment we walked through the press gate.

With the much awaited 15:00 hour roll call steaming into view, we decided it was time to top up the alarmingly empty T Tank, no Tennents had so much as been sniffed at thus far. Needing a local mind to sort us out, we turned to Tour of the Terraces’ very own secret love affair in the form of Mr Cambo, a Dundee United Twitter presence and a mythical pen pal of ours. Cambo said for us to visit The Troll Inn for a good pre-match pint, plus there would be a few staunch Tangerine men to bask in the presence of. He was certainly not wrong.

The boozer really had the feel of that pre-game anticipation, fans crammed in, pints flowing, BO reeking across the fonts (some teams more than others). Sinking into a beautifully poured, beautifully priced Tennents (£2.70 a pop) we were ready to dig into the fan culture a bit more. Below we have inserted our fan interview (which took place inside Tannadice pre-match) with a United supporter named Fraser Cameron, who’s posse consisted of Jamie Robson’s father, respectable gentlemen I’m sure we can all agree. Fraser gave us some much needed insight to the thoughts and opinions of United fans across the country.

1. Firstly, going down to the Championship was never on the agenda for United. Is there a sense of anger that it has taken this long for you to be back on the right track?

A.  “It’s been very frustrating to be honest with you,” he started, “I thought we would come right back up but it has been already proven by Rangers and Hibs, this quite simply isn’t the case for clubs, nobody has a given right to return straight away.” He then noted in regards to the club’s potential promotion, “never say never but if we blow it from here then wow!”

2. Nobody wants to see it, but if he is sold in summer then how much do you reckon Shankland should be exiting the club for?

A.  Fraser stated, “Well on the radio on the way in the owner has claimed a price tag of £3 million might not even be enough!” He went onto share his opinion, “we could even get more from him and he deserves the tag, but it is obviously still healthy sum of cash”.

3. Has Robbie Neilson been the saviour of Dundee United?

A.  “Well, I don’t know about him being the saviour,” Fraser exclaimed. “Of course if he gets us up then its brilliant what he has done for the club,” He added. “However, a time will come where he is past it and we will need a new man in,” he stated. Giving an example, Fraser said, “Look at Jim McLean, hero here at the club, eventually he was past it and had to go, just the way it works.”

4. There have always been rumours of a Dundee merger, what would your thoughts on that be? Are other Dundonians sympathetic to the idea?

A.  Very quickly Fraser shared his opinion, “NEVER going to happen and do not want it to.” The conviction in his voice spoke to his apparent dislike for the blue side of Dundee. “It is a rivalry that goes back a long time, one of my old pals wouldn’t even come to Tannadice to watch Dundee in the derby… he hated the place that much!”

Thanks again to Fraser for talking to us goons, we felt that it was rather representative of a wider mood that we had already felt at the club; frustrated and yearning for more but finally moving up in the world, at last dominating the league that they should have made their proverbial bitch years ago.

But as Fraser said, nobody has the given right.

Exiting The Troll Inn and heading back towards the Eddie Thompson Stand, we had to make a quick pit-stop at the ticket office. Our ‘benefactor’ had supposedly already made all of the arrangements and we were merely to say his name. As you may have already guessed, the tickets were not there.

Checking in back at the club entrance, where we had already built up a rapport with the receptionist, we enquired if the tickets might be there instead. They were there for sure, in the form of two complimentary tickets issued by the lifesaving lady behind the desk. Massively appreciated by us pair of course, so thank you to Dundee United and the woman herself… I’m sure out ‘mysterious benefactor’ was busy pulling the strings somewhere else.

All that is left now is to delve into the match report itself… so I’m afraid Arabs you might want to brace yourself as it was not the prettiest viewing. Before that however, a new wee segment that we’re including – Tour of the Facts – so with that you better open up your bunghaws because some hot trivia sauce is coming through. Aaaaanndd fact numberrrrr:

One – Dundee United were originally formed by Dundee’s Irish community, following the demise of Dundee Harp, Dundee Hibernian was formed in 1909 which eventually became Dundee United in 1923.

Two – United fans will hear this all the time and surely never tire of it, they have a 100% competitive record against BARCELONA, winning 4 out of 4 ties with the Spanish giants, they remain the only British club to defeat the Catalan outfit home and away in any European format.

Three – More of a story, the reason behind the ‘Arab’ nickname. In the 1960s before the wonders of undersoil heating, United had tried to melt away a frosty pitch before kick-off and in the process burned half of the turf off. Truckloads of sand were then spread across the pitch for the ref to declare ‘game on sucka’. United went on to win 3-0 that day and a local newspaper claimed they had ‘taken to the sand like Arabs’. How much truth there is to that? We’re unsure but it’s a cool story so fuck it.

Taking to our seats, in the ‘not-so-chilly-as-we-had-expected’ Jerry Kerr Stand, we watched the 22 gladiators march out onto the pitch in front of 8000 strong and a healthy away support. We were ready and both sets of fans certainly were ready. The Tour was back baby.

THE MATCH

Below is our own match report, detailing the 90 minutes in full.

FIRST HALF

The golden boy Lawrence Shankland kicked us off on this overcast Saturday in Tayside, United keeping the ball, beginning to probe what was no doubt going to be a stoic and dangerous Arbroath team. Looking to open up gaps early on, Shankland played a lovely flick one – two with Butcher and showed his flair, his classiness from early on. Sadly this was a very rare occurrence throughout the rest of the game for the men in Tangerine.

The Arbroath fans let loose a ripple of ‘si senor’ from their away end corner, encouraged by a scrappy opening 10 minutes where neither team really got their foot on the ball. Arbroath were making it difficult for a United side that were trying to put the ball on the deck and pass, the Terrors struggled to find a rhythm despite looking more promising. A shout of ‘FUCKING GO THROUGH HIM!!’ personified the mood of the United fans around us as the Terror’s moves consistently broke down in the middle of the park. Peter Pawlett tried multiple times to use his renowned pace and agility to jink in behind but Arbroath were persistently one step ahead.

United full-back Liam Smith was, to his credit, putting a power of  work down the right hand side of the pitch, beating Arbroath players for pace and looking the most dynamic man on the park. Smith juked his way down the flank and earned a corner from the deflected cross, which inspired chants of ‘UNITED *clap, clap, clap* UNITED’ from the home fans behind the goal. Big striker Osman Sow went down from the resulting set-piece and was unfortunately stretchered off, adding to United’s growing injury list. Robbie Neilson had to bring on promisng youngster Declan Glass, recently recalled from Cove and shifted Pawlett into a central role.

This tactical change yielded the best chance of the half for United, Butcher was spreading the ball nicely in the centre of the park and some gaps were starting to open. Shankland threaded the needle, prising one of these gaps open for an onrushing Peter Pawlett, who’s shot across the keeper forced a great stop from Gaston of the Red Lichties.

United were trying to switch the ball along the backline a lot, playing out from defence and involving everyone in Tangerine on the park. Sadly, it was not long before the men in maroon were to get majorly involved. The Lichties had won a free-kick in their own half, some nice play down the left betwen Hilson and Hamilton, free’d up space for the left-back to whip a low ball into the United box. Who else but former Dark Blue, Craig Wighton, arrived at the near post to prod the ball under Siegrist and give the part-timers the lead at Tannadice. Delirium in the away end of course.

United came straight back with more urgency and effort but in reality were struggling to control the game at all. Too much thought and too little invention was the problem for the Arabs, superkid Declan Glass tried a quick shimmy and stepover in the middle of the park, with his 25 yard effort tipped over by the Arbroath keeper. It looked like United needed something of that ilk, an individual moment of brilliance.

Jamie Robson was next to audition for the role of hero, as a bouncing ball drifted over to the young man, his looping volley just about clearing the bar and keeping Arbroath noses in front. It was plain to see how hard the United players were having to work and in all honesty they were not reaping too many benefits as Arbroath stood strong against crosses into the box; mainly provided by the rapid, ever-present full-back Liam Smith.

The frustration was tangible in the air as United trudged down the tunnel behind at the interval. This was a team that had been completely and utterly dominant so far this campaign in the Championship but on this viewing so far they looked fresh out of ideas, Arbroath were sitting as comfortably as Dick Campbell in The Shelby Parlour.

Another addition to this latest Tour of the Terraces era is that of the ‘Superfan Quiz’ (if you can think of a better name please, PLEASE let us know) where we pick on an unwitting victim and see if he can answer 5 questions about his or her so called ‘beloved team’ there is a majestic PRIZE for anyone who answers all questions correctly of course. This week it was Gareth and his boy at our quizzical mercy and a Terry’s Chocolate Orange was the carrot on offer if he could indeed get full marks.

‘SUPERFAN’ QUIZ

Q1. What was the club’s original name?

Q2. Name the TWO players that scored in the 2010 Scottish Cup Final?

Q3. Which manager won the club’s first Scottish Cup?

Q4. What FIFA Award did the club win the first ever edition of? 

Q5. How many yards separate Tannadice and Dens Park? (to the nearest 10)

Answers are at the end of the Match Report for anyone who wishes to take on our Superfan Quiz, no chocolate orange we’re afraid. No chocolate orange for Gareth either, despite an impressive score of 4.5/5, he could not quite cut the superfan mustard. Sorry Gareth you will remain faceless and chocolate-less for the time being. Who will be our first superfan? Fuck knows, on with the match report.

SECOND HALF

The second half started in a chaotic fashion, with a good old fashioned scramble in the box beginning the second 45. Sporle had an initial shot saved, which rebounded back to Shankland who curled over from a difficult angle. The young man was struggling from a lack of service and a tight Arbroath defensive display.

Liam Smith on the opposite flank once again put in a power of running for the Terrors as he raced up the outside, checked inside and then released Pawlett back out wide again. The now ageing Pawlett took his time, took his time and eventually could only blast over as he was closed down.

Dundee United were still trying to play ‘proper football’, possession based and switching from side to side. Still, this created a feeling of a lack of urgency from the team as the supporters started to get fidgety, wanting more drive, more direction from their team. The man providing that directness from right-back came marauding down the wing once again, giving the only real spark of drive to this United performance. Smith slipped the ball wide, but the resulting cross was too far ahead of Shankland.

United were certainly controlling the flow of the game but were struggling still to decide what to do with the ball. Arbroath had slowly been forced deeper and deeper and by the 60th minute they were truly in park the bus mode. Despite this, it never looked like United were going to open up that maroon wall at the back. Their best chance once again started with the sparky number 2 Liam Smith, who’s drive at the backline caused visible panic for the first time in the Arbroath ranks, in a succession of corners. None of which bore fruit.

Just as it seemed that the game was getting to the realms of last minute equaliser, Shankland had the chance around the 80 minute mark. A deflected cross from the opposite side this time, courtesy of Sporle, the ball bobbled into the on-rushing strikers path. The gap opened up 1 on 1 from 8 yards out, Shankland took a touch and tried to deftly flick it past the already diving Gaston. The keeper flicked out an instinctive hand and managed to deny the young man. A gilt-edged opportunity. Gone begging.

As the game petered out there was a lot of head tennis and a lot of cleared crosses fired into the Arbroath 18 yards. Time and time again the ball was sent flying back up the compact ground until referee Alan Muir signalled for full-time; bringing Dundee United’s first home league defeat of the season and Arbroath’s first league win at Tannadice since 1958.

Tour of the Terraces MOTM: Liam Smith

A difficult task this time round issuing the TotT MOTM and unfortunately for the wrong reasons. A few players showed flashes of good play but you would imagine very few players were awarded pass marks by manager Robbie Neilson after the match. However, one player that did look United’s bright spark on the day was 23 year old full back – Liam Smith. He looked the most threatening by far for the home side, flying up and down the right flank, showing urgency and will to create opportunities. Therefore, sincere congratulations to Mr. Smith whose name will be scratched onto the trophy that all ballers want and dream of acquiring. Well done sir you have been awarded the Tour of the Terraces 11^th MOTM, a day you’ll never forget.

SUPERFAN ANSWERS

1. Dundee Hibernian 2. David Goodwillie, Craig Conway 3. Ivan Golac 4. FIFA Fair Play Award 5. 170 yards (160-180 acceptable)

MIKEY’S RAMBLE

Okay, so I will keep my ramble nice and concise this time around (if a ramble can be concise) and let you filthy animals get on to my humble Touring twin Aaron’s Column where he has already summed up a lot of the major points on our trip to Tayside.

Firstly, from the second you approach the ground you can tell Dundee United are a club far below where they desire to be. The facilities inside Tannadice, the size of the ground and the straggling fans as early as 13:00 tell you everything you need to know. The first note in my Match Report reads ‘cramped seating, lovely ground’ and I feel that sums it up pretty well.

Whilst the stand we were seated in was not nearly full to capacity, the claustrophobic nature of the seating gifted its feeling to the whole stadium, which if full to capacity would be an absolute hotbed. Even still at just over half-full, the stadium had the feeling of a big club, a feverish atmosphere that has been lacking at other clubs so far on the Tour. Regarding the cramped seats, yes I am planning on growing some testicles for my next Tannadice trip (next season when Derek McWinless and the boys come to town?) Shite patter aside, from a mere glance at Tannadice you would think you were looking at a top 6 outfit, rather than a team that has consistently underwhelmed in what is admittedly a very competitive league.

The day out itself was brilliant, pretty steaming by the time we got there and full of chat with the Dundee United supporters we encountered. The overriding feeling was ‘finally, fucking finally’ and that is not hard to imagine at all. Initially nobody expected them to really go down – then they did go down. Then they did not resurface again year after year and it has almost reached the point where Dundee United are thought of as… well, a Championship club.

Encouraged by the club’s recent form and the vicious pursuit they are putting up of wrapping up the Championship title, we were convinced that this would be a new look United side, resurgent and with the bit between their teeth.

The viewing we had over the course of 90 minutes did leave a lot to be desired I am sad to say. The intention was clearly there from Robbie Neilson’s men, who moved the ball with confidence and to be fair, rarely misplaced a ball in the build up – it was just their ball into that final third which let them down. Saying this, it is important to remember the nasty injury list that the Arabs have been dealt this season, even in the game we saw Osman Sow and Declan Glass were both taken off with gnarly looking injuries.

The main thing this indicates is a lack of quality in depth and investment will need to be made in my opinion if United want to have a successful campaign when they definitely go up at the end of the season. There I said it, now you are surely fucked lads! In all seriousness, the fans that watched the slightly decimated starting 11 probe for nothing against Arbroath should not read too much into it. After all the league table does not lie and Arbroath are not a team it is shameful to lose to. Oh and Peter Pawlett looked unfit, by that I mean fat as fuck.

In conclusion, everyone in the top flight would love to see a strong United side up there again. It is simply better for the league, looks aesthetically more pleasing than a quarter full McDiarmid Park and also I am just gagging on a New Firm Derby. Us sheepshaggers are bored without you! More importantly though, is how much having a strong Dundee United team elevates Scottish Football as a whole, a recognisable club all over Europe with a big history, deserves better and it’s fans deserve a lot better. Hope to see you capture the league in style and see you for a cheeky rumble on New Years Day 2021, when you pump us 3-0 at Pittodrie.

Arabs it has been a pleasure.

AARON’S COLUMN

Well well well, at last I get the chance to conduct my ‘column’ but this time round I am doing so with far less hair (still welcoming any hair transplant donations). After a year absent due to coronaLAZYBASTARDvirus we finally fuelled the Tour’s steam train to Tannadice. Host to one of Scotland’s bigger teams – Dundee United. A ground which I can personally, finally tick off my Scottish stadium checklist (17 left to go babyyyy). This being my debut in the land of tangerine I was curious to see how they would shape up against their neighbours, Dundee. (Who we had previously visited).

Dust blown off the notepad, shirt ironed and shoes polished meant that the march to Waverley was the next step for my sheepshagging companion and I. With Hibs beating the Tours 11^th club midweek, I ensured my deodorant was extra pungent. Just in case anyone could smell my spoonburning hibee blood ripping through. Oh just making sure nobody forgot I supported Hibs because I don’t mention that enough in these columns of mine…

1 solitary Budweiser down and 2 glasses of prosecco, I must admit I was feeling rather boozy hopping off the train. Swear its cause I hadn’t ate much NOT because I’m a lightweight loser or that. Given this was our second visit to the city we made the familiar ascending walk to where the footy clubs lived and by god I was a lot less fit this time round. Sweat pishing of my bald scalp and a waterfall orchestrating down my back we made it to the promised land. Looking at Tannadice from afar, its big stature is felt in comparison to many of the other clubs we have visited; you can tell straight away this is home to a club in Scotland of real size.

As we approached the stadium, orange surrounded us everywhere, alerting us properly that this is Dundee United football club’s patch of land. Into the office we stepped hoping to gain ourselves backstage passes. Mikey utilised his Ipsos Mori powers and managed to wriggle us into Tannadice after a solid 8/10 negotiation over the phone with ‘Riki’. Inside we crept and it truly was a gorgeous sight as far as stadiums in Scotland go. With sights taken in and photos captured. Albeit we were “challenged” by multiple stewards along the way which can be expected given our scaff –like presence, the next and best stop was drumroll……

THE PUB!!!

And the first Tour of the Terraces pub destination of the decade was ‘The Troll Inn’. The pub lived up to its name with trolls all over the shop, including those ladies and gents in orange. Jokes lads and lassies you lot looked a lot better than the Dundee massive…. dinni say nout. Jokes aside, it was a lovely wee establishment, perfect for a pre-match pint or 10. The only disappointing element was a chap at the bar alerted us of the fact the pints went up a whole 20p to £2.70 the day previous, must have seen our announcement tweet. A full coffee at work stolen straight from my paws. Two in fact since I paid for Mikeys anaw the scaff.

Pint consumed and patter had, it was time to see what runaway leaders Dundee United had to say for themselves. Given the lack of funds the Tour operates with, free tickets are always on the mind. This time round we managed to gobble a pair up through our questionable charm from the lady at the main office. Thanking you squire. The battle began as the gates were opened. We made our way inside the seas of orange, pre-aiming around every corner looking to gun down our latest victim for a fan interview. Job done. Seats were taken and I must say there could be a little more leg room for your standard viewer to have (always got to be sout to moan about). The whistle blew and the game began with Mr. Shankland kicking us off. I was optimistic of seeing a convincing win for the home side, just to showcase what the top flight will be seeing next season.

HOWEVER, I saw anything but on this Saturday afternoon. There can be a very VERY strong claim for a curse of the Tour as this was United’s first home defeat of the season …. #sorrynotsorry lads. A 1-0 win for Dick Campbell’s Barmy Army in a game which very little was created from either side to be very humble. Of course coming to Tannadice the first man you think of is Mr. Shankland and by god he was a let down on this very occasion I’m sad to say. The chance he missed at the end was bewildering, I’d be devastated if any fucker on my 6s team missed anything of the sort, never mind a man with a £3million price tag. Players that did look relatively bright were Liam Smith, the full back and Butcher in the middle. A player I also really liked the look of before he went off injured after coming on was young Declan Glass. Watched him when he was dead young for Tranent and fair play to the big cheese he has blossomed into a right good player, well in lad.

Overall, it could just quite simply be a day to forget for the home side as they still gallop away as red hot favourites for automatic promotion bar HIBSing it (sure that’s a thing…). Sir David Gray, thank you once more. A very below par performance but I mean it is expected over the season to have such games so there’s no doubt they will go up. Hard prediction to make I know. In regards to next season, I think life the top flight will be difficult for the men in orange, you would expect Mr. Shankland to be offksi and the squad I saw on this particular day didn’t set my expectations alight for anything near a top 6 push. You never know though, if they could recruit well in summer they could cause a bit of damage as the top 6 is make-able for any competitive club at present. Being totally honest it will most likely be a few years before we see the like. So enjoy winning the treble next year lads cause any observation I make the complete opposite happens.

I would like to conclude my column by thanking those who spoke with us on the day for making the Tour such an enjoyable one and kicking the decade off in style. I would like to wish you all the best for life in top flight and no doubt you’ll see my strawberry blonde balding scalp bobbing about the way away end as you spank us 3-0. Good luck when the time comes and enjoy easy street for the moment as it’s all going to end soon unfortunately. Would be brilliant to see a Dundee United side being back to their usual selves for the neutral, a big dog in the big league. Cheers ladies and gents, it’s been a pleasure Arabs.

THE RATINGS

 

FINALLY…

Arabs, there we have it. A rating of 65, which sees a convincing 2:1 degree, awarded to the club by us scholars here at Tour of the Terraces. A score which we believe reflects the club in its current form adequately. Albeit on a different occasion where the Tangerine’s strutted their usual decimating stuff, a higher score could be argued but we have to base of what we saw. A team soaring relatively high at the top of the Championship, just a 17 point gap lol, the Premiership looks forward to the clubs arrival after several years away. Thus meaning it is just a simple case of when now for Dundee United, straying away from any major bottle jobs – something both of us here on the Tour are WELL prone to. So, if your favourite colour is orange and you do not want to join the union bears then hit up the lovely Tannadice, could be the perfect location for you

Best of luck to Dundee united in their quest to be a top 6 club in the Premiership. We here at Tour of the Terraces see that being a long process for the club but are optimistic they can reclaim their top 6 status at some point in the future. Mon the Arabs and thank you a holy amount for welcoming us to your magnificent football club, all the best!